


i'm slowly falling away.

by fockinglevendcliche



Category: WTFock | Skam (Belgium)
Genre: Alternate Universe, And now they're friends, Angst and Feels, Boysquad, Britt nosquad, Enemies to Lovers, GirlSquad, He's kinda mean to Sander, M/M, More angst, Not a lot of slow burn, Or maybe not that sweet, Robbe is just a confused baby in this one, Robbe is just a sweet baby, Robbe is still confused, Slow Burn, and fluff, and to be honest, because why not??, i also got confused writing this, im a rush person, or more, what's angst without a little fluff after
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-02
Updated: 2020-03-17
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:21:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 23,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22983187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fockinglevendcliche/pseuds/fockinglevendcliche
Summary: Sander snorted sarcastically, "You don't know a fucking thing about me, Robbe.""You think? Look at you, Sander. The mysterious, dark boy who only wears black clothes and uses art as a coping mechanism. You're such a fucking cliché."One more step. Sander was already so close. Robbe could already hear the blond boy's deep breath. His smell invading Robbe. And fuck, that was a good smell."Want to talk about clichés, skater boy, for real? The same boy that only wears clothes too big for his little body? Who's always either drunk or high? That thinks the world is always against him, that one?"
Relationships: Sander Driesen/Robbe IJzermans
Comments: 51
Kudos: 525





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is basically an Enemies-to-Lovers, slow burn (with not too much of slow burn, cause i'm a very rush person) and with more angst than fluff, angst is my anthem!! It's late and I've been editing this, so some things may not make sense, but like enjoy it?? And i'm sorry for any mistake.

The bell rang, indicating another end of school. It was finally Friday. Robbe hurried to pack his things inside his bag, walking towards the three friends who were already outside the classroom waiting for him. All Robbe wanted to do was go home and relax for the rest of the day. He was visibly tired. School, his mom who had recently been admitted to a psychic center, forcing him to move to the flatshare, his dad who constantly called when it was clear that Robbe was trying to ignore him, his friends who only thought about parties and girls, all this was being too much for him, Robbe just wanted a minute's rest. A time just for him, away from everything and everyone, away from trouble and noise. But of course, he wasn't going to have that. His friends had other plans in mind. And as always, Robbe would follow them wherever they went, no matter how much he didn't want to. He just wasn't the kind of person who could easily say no. 

"I already talked to Jana, she said she'd go with the girls to get some beers and they'd meet us there later," Jens said, looking in the other guys' direction. Robbe just nodded.

The plan was for them to meet the girls at the skatepark. A few beers, maybe some music, and they'd call it a day. There was really no party going on today, so that was all the group would get. 

"Is Sander coming?" Moyo asked, passing his arm over Jens' shoulders. 

Sander. Just the mention of his name made Robbe want to roll his eyes. 

Robbe didn't know why he didn't like Sander. He just knew he didn't like him. Maybe it had something to do with his attitude, like Sander thought he was so cool and daring with his black Docs and his platinum blond hair. Or maybe it had something to do with the fact that he came out of nowhere and suddenly everyone was all over him. 

Sander was dating Britt. Ever since the blonde girl had become friends with the other girls again, after all the problems with Jana were finally over, she had made a point of introducing Sander to everyone. Of course, they'd all been so excited about the new addition to the group. Especially the boys. Since then, they hadn't shut up about Sander. Sander this, Sander that. How cool it was that he was older and already in college. How he was so artistic and talented. How he always seemed so confident and intimidating. Blah blah blah. Even the girls weren't oblivious to him. Robbe noticed how they always giggled nervously when they were around him. Meanwhile, no one seemed to give a fuck about Robbe. It was as if no one realized what he was going through, how his eyes indicated the few hours of sleep his thoughts allowed him almost every night. And he hated it. More than that, he hated that this boy had come and kinda of stolen all his friends. And Robbe didn't care how ridiculous that sounded. He didn't like Sander. And he had made sure of showing it to everyone. Did he pass for an asshole? Yeah, maybe. But lucky for him, or not, the feeling seemed to be mutual. Or at least that's what Sander's comments and side looks indicated. Everyone in the group had gotten used to the exchanges of words and looks between the two boys. First, they tried to get Robbe's attention about it, how he should give Sander a chance, how he was being so childish. But after a while, they began to ignore any dialogue between the two. It wasn't worth it. It was better just to let them be. As long as it was just small arguments, everything was fine. 

"Hope so," Aaron's voice sounded, "I've been kinda into drawing lately, can't wait to show Sander my big first try."

Robbe didn't lose the way Aaron's lips opened in a giant smile, causing his eyes to close a little. 

"Aaron, you need to stop this obsession with him," Robbe said, directing his gaze at the other guy, "it's starting to get very unhealthy."

"It's not an obsession, I'm just a big fan of his work."

This time, Robbe couldn't help but roll his eyes. Okay, this was starting to be ridiculous. Sander wasn't even that good. Or at least that's what Robbe kept telling himself. 

"Whatever."

It didn't pass unnoticed to any of the boys the sudden tension that had filled the space. Jens and Moyo exchanged glances with each other, but neither of them dared say anything about it. This was Robbe's problem anyway. If he didn't like Sander, that was up to him. They weren't gonna stop being with Sander just to please their friend. That was something Robbe would have to understand on his own. 

Fortunately for them, Aaron seemed to have no problem breaking the uncomfortable silence.

"Are we going or what?"

The boys left the subject there and headed for the skatepark. The silence was quickly replaced by another story of Aaron, some dream he'd had about Amber. Once again.

°°°

By the time they got to the skatepark, everyone was already there. Robbe slid his gaze across the group, stopping at a certain piece of platinum blond hair. Of course Sander had to be there. Robbe watched him as he and the boys headed towards them. Sander had one of his arms spread over Britt's shoulders, a beer held in his other hand, as he spoke enthusiastically to the girls. They all seemed absorbed in whatever he was saying. Probably something very uninteresting, Robbe thought. 

Amber was the first to notice the boys' presence, "finally you're here."

"We didn't take that long," Jens said.

Robbe watched out of the corner of his eye as Sander quickly slid his arm off Britt's shoulder, getting up and going to greet each of the boys. 

"Sup, Jack Frost?" Moyo said shaking hands with him.

The boys were always excited to be with Sander. The fact that he didn't go to the same school as the rest made it a bit difficult for them all to be together. 

Normally, Sander and Robbe would just greet each other with an exchange of few words. Some days, not even that. The blond boy slid his gaze until he found Robbe's, a provocative smile on his lips. 

"How's it going, Robin?"

Robbe put on his more civil smile before answering, "Nothing much, Sandie."

Both boys smiled at each other. Not the kind of sincere, open smile that makes your eyes shine too. But the kind of smile that says "I didn't want you here, but I have to be political, so I'm gonna smile at you and pretend I can stand you."

Luckily for them, Aaron interrupted the awkward moment, going towards Sander with an excited expression, his hand holding a small piece of paper.

"I wanted to show you this, Sander. I did it myself."

The boy stuck the piece of paper almost in Sander's face who didn't seem the least bit concerned about it.

"This looks good for your first try."

Robbe stretched his neck, trying to get a glimpse of what was drawn there. It was literally a series of scratches and figures that Robbe couldn't even define exactly. He couldn't help the laughter that escaped his mouth. Sander was such a liar.

"That doesn't even look good."

The blond looked in Robbe's direction, his eyes were challenging when he said, "Well, I'm interested in what you consider to be good, I mean, since you've so much experience with it, skater boy."

Robbe watched as the three other boys looked at Sander with a touch of fun in their faces. Of course they were gonna flatter Sander again. They didn't do anything else when they were with him. As if Sander needed something to inflame his already gigantic ego even more.

"Definitely not yours. Just so you know, I've seen your drawings, actually. They look like they were made by a six-year-old." 

"Robbe!" The voice, which Robbe recognized as Zoë's, sounded.

"What? Shouldn't I tell the truth?"

Robbe looked at the blond boy again. In his defense, Sander didn't even seem to care what Robbe had said. He kept holding on to a provocative smile. But that was just his aesthetic, Robbe thought. The dark, emotionless artist who didn't seem to care for anything that happens around him. A fucking cliché was what he was. 

Jens approached Sander, putting one of his hands on his shoulder, squeezing him lightly, "Robbe's just being moody, your art is fantastic."

Aaron stepped in, he was still holding the piece of paper proudly, "that's right, I'm a big fan of yours, I was telling the boys that before we came here."

Robbe turned and went to sit next to the girls. He saw how Jens started pulling Sander by his arm into an area where they could skate. Because, of course, they had gotten into their heads that Sander needed to learn to skate like them. For Robbe's own happiness, he'd already seen him try, and he was absolutely awful. At least one thing Sander wasn't good at. The other two guys followed them, in the middle of chats and laughter. 

"So," Britt's voice caught Robbe's attention when she started talking, "Sander and I are about to do six months together and I have no idea what I'm going to give him, I need your help, pretty please!"

Robbe tried not to let out a frustrated sigh. He had no idea why Britt's voice made him so upset. He just knew it did. He couldn't even understand how Jana and the other girls had managed to be friends with Britt again after all. 

"I mean," Luca said, "how about a blowjob, it always works, right?"

The girls all laughed at Luca's comment. Even Britt. Robbe? He just wanted to get away from there. He didn't even know what would have been better. Going with the boys or staying there. He was starting to regret his choice a little bit. This was definitely not a conversation he wanted to hear. Because first, Sander. Second, Sander and Britt. He couldn't even say what was worse. 

Luckily, or not, Sander gave up trying to learn how to skate and joined the group. He sat next to Britt, passing one of his arms behind her body, pulling her closer. Robbe just turned his head. He didn't need to see that. He didn't even know why it made him so upset. But it wasn't new. Ever since Sander had joined them, the image of him and Britt together had always caused Robbe to feel annoyed. Why? He didn't know why. He just knew he didn't like it. Maybe he thought Britt deserved better. Or Sander deserved better. Or even neither of them deserved anything at all. Yeah, that's it, Robbe thought. It had to be. Everyone there could have closed their eyes to everything that had happened because of Britt, but Robbe wasn't stupid. He didn't trust her, she was manipulative and mean. Robbe already knew this from the time she started seeing Jens.

And Sander? Well, Sander was just... Sander. And that was enough for Robbe not to like him.

°°°

"So, are you coming to the party or not?"

Robbe recognized Jens' voice as soon as he left the classroom. 

It had been two weeks since the meeting at the stakepark. This Friday, unfortunately, Robbe couldn't get away. The boys had been talking all week about a party at some college boy's house. From what Robbe had understood, he was a friend of Sander's. Moyo hadn't shut up about how many alternative girls they'd find there. Aaron had insisted that he was saving himself for Amber, which had generated a lot of laughter between them.

Robbe didn't want to go to this party. A house full of people he'd never seen in his life was enough for him not to want to go. But Sander also being there was worse. God, why couldn't Sander just leave?

Robbe was already thinking about the next excuse he'd use so he could abandon his friends and spend another night in the comfort of his room, alone. But he wasn't gonna be being fair to them. He'd come up with a lot of excuses lately not to go out with them. He knew his friends were starting to get a little tired of it. Robbe tried to think on the bright side. It was only for a few hours, nothing more. He didn't even have to talk to Sander or anything. He could just spend the night drinking and smoking and have a little fun once and for all. He really needed that. The situation with his parents had gotten worse. He wasn't even talking to his dad right now, he was too much for Robbe, it was much better to keep ignoring him. And his mom? She was gonna be in the center for a long time. And he needed to forget everything. If only for one night.

"Sure."

Jens' lips formed a smile before he said, "good, I miss us all going out together. By the way, do you want to grab something to eat before we go to the skatepark?" 

Robbe nodded, visibly happy. He missed being with his best friend, just the two of us. He knew these months hadn't been the best for them. They had argued more times than in any other year since they'd met. But, fortunately, everything was slowly returning to normal.

"Hey, Robbe? I wanted to ask you something first."

Robbe stopped walking to look in Jens' direction, "what?"

"I know you and Sander don't get along very well, but try to take it easy on him today."

Robbe let slip a sigh of frustration. Of course it had to be about Sander.

"And why that?"

"You weren't with us the other time, but he and Britt broke up the other week. This party's gonna be good for him, help clear his head, you know?"

Robbe nodded. So he and Britt weren't together anymore? Why did this bring Robbe a sense of relief?

°°°

The party was already full when the boys got there. The loud music could already be heard in the distance. The air was filled with smoke, making it difficult even to see the space clearly. Not that this bothered Robbe. This is exactly what he had agreed to come for. 

Robbe followed his friends into the house, being forced to stop a few times to push some people out of the way. The house was really packed. Not like any party Robbe had ever been to before. 

The boys headed towards the kitchen, looking for the drinks, of course. Robbe was quick to fill a cup with vodka. If this party was going to end well, he had to get to the end of the night drunk. And high. 

"Sander!" Aaron's voice spoke over the music. He really knew how to be loud, Robbe thought.

He turned around in time to see Sander walk through the kitchen door. Robbe allowed himself to take a look at the older boy. All black. So basic of Sander. But there was something that was different. His hair, Robbe watched. The dark roots were no longer there. Robbe would never admit it out loud, but he liked it when Sander bleached his hair again. The roots were good. But his hair all white? That definitely looked better. That color in contrast to his tanned skin helped bring out his intense green eyes. Not that Robbe ever thought about his eyes. Or any part of Sander's. Or Sander. It was just an observation.

"Hey, you guys are here."

Sander exchanged a handshake with the three boys, nodding quickly towards Robbe. This was probably the moment Robbe would make a sarcastic comment to Sander. Something about how happy he should be to finally be in his environment, around all these weird people. Sorry, artistic people. But Jens' earlier words crossed Robbe's mind. And he chose to keep his mouth shut. It was probably the best he could do. 

The rest of the night went fast. The boys split their time between chats, laughter, more drinks and a few attempts to get Moyo to finally get up the courage to go talk to a girl he had been watching all night. Sander came and went, sharing his time between them and his own friends. Robbe didn't want to think about it much, but it was obvious to him that Sander was acting differently. All night long, there wasn't a single provocation on his part. Not even one less political comment. Nothing at all. He could say anything, and still, Sander wouldn't look in his direction. It was like Robbe wasn't even there. And to be honest, he didn't know if it relieved him or if it bothered him. 

It was late enough, but none of the boys were intent on leaving. Robbe was already getting tired and the deafening noise wasn't helping. He apologised to the boys and left the house to get some air, the atmosphere inside was already starting to get too stifling. 

There was absolutely no one outside. Not that Robbe was surprised. The cold breeze that resonated through the air was enough to keep everyone inside the house. Better for him, so he could enjoy a few minutes alone and finally relax. Tonight was not going exactly the way Robbe wanted. He wasn't drunk enough. He was far from high. And Sander was ignoring him for some fucking reason.

Robbe raised his head to the sound of a door opening. Speaking of the devil. There was Sander. Walking towards him. 

"So, besides being ignorant and cynical, you're also reckless?" Sander started talking, as he approached Robbe, "it's fucking cold outside, you should come in."

Robbe had a low laugh, "What? Are you worried I might catch a cold?"

"Not at all."

Sander took another step towards Robbe, they were just a few steps away from each other. 

"You look strange today."

Robbe snitched on the commentary. Was he strange today? Is that what Sander thought? Because the only one who was acting different today was him and not Robbe.

Robbe shrugged his shoulders, not knowing what to say. The silence quickly settled between the two. Sander took that opportunity to get closer to Robbe. They'd never been this close before. And to be honest, Robbe was freaking out a little bit. What did Sander want?

"Jens was talking to me the other day," Sander seemed a little nervous as he was talking, "I didn't know about your mom. Is that why you're like this?"

Robbe's expression quickly changed from nervous to upset. Why had Jens been talking to Sander about this? It wasn't even his business to begin with. 

"Why do you even care?"

"Look, Robbe, I know it can get hard sometimes, trust me."

Robbe let a sarcastic laugh come out of his mouth. What Sander wasn't gonna do was pretend he was even a little concerned about Robbe's personal life. 

"Why are you doing this?"

"Doing what?"

"Trying to be nice to me."

Sander snorted in frustration, "I'm not trying to be nice. I'm just trying to help you. Can you let someone fucking help you for once?"

"I don't need your fucking help," Robbe fought back loud. 

The conversation between the two of them escalated fast. But what did Robbe expect? His and Sander's conversations always ended the same way. The difference is, this time, he didn't have any friends around to intervene. 

"You know what, Robbe? Maybe this is why we don't get along. You're so childish all the time."

Childish? Robbe wasn't childish. 

The younger boy took a step forward, the distance between him and Sander got shorter and shorter. This wasn't gonna end well. 

"I'm childish? Well, you're pretentious all the time. You're so full of yourself, Sander. Just look around, not everyone has to be at your feet."

Sander snorted sarcastically, "You don't know a fucking thing about me, Robbe."

"You think? Look at you, Sander. The mysterious, dark boy who only wears black clothes and uses art as a coping mechanism. You're such a fucking cliché."

One more step. Sander was already so close. Robbe could already hear the blond boy's deep breath. His smell invading Robbe. And fuck, that was a good smell. 

"Want to talk about clichés, skater boy, for real? The same boy that only wears clothes too big for his little body? Who's always either drunk or high? That thinks the world is always against him, that one?"

Robbe might not know anything about Sander, but Sander didn't know a fucking thing about him either.

"Fuck you, Sander. Why don't you just go back inside?"

Sander took another step, finally ending the distance between the two. His lips hovered over Robbe's lips, without touching. What was Sander doing? 

"Maybe I don't want to."

Robbe raised his head, staring at Sander's. Why did his eyes have to be so magnetic? 

The two boys were like this for a few seconds, just staring at each other. The only noise they could hear was the heavy breathing of them both. All Robbe had to do was get a few inches closer and his lips would be on Sander's. Robbe couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to kiss Sander. His lips were as soft as they looked? What did he tasted like?

It was starting to be too much. For both of them. Robbe could see in Sander's eyes that he wanted this as much as he did. 

"Fuck it," Sander finally said before leaning to crush their mouths together.

Sander tasted exactly how Robbe expected. A mix of menthol and beer. It was the best taste Robbe had ever had. The kiss started slowly. The two taking their time with each other. Sander's lips were soft on Robbe's, a smooth texture. Robbe wanted more. 

He lifted both arms behind Sander's neck, grabbing a few small pieces of platinum blond hair with his fingers gently. Sander had his hands pinned on Robbe's small waist, pulling him closer to his body, intensifying the kiss. Robbe's tongue asked permission to slide down Sander's lips, savoring every inch of his mouth. 

How they had gotten this far, Robbe thought. This was surreal. Never in a million years had Robbe imagined himself sharing a moment like this with Sander. And here and now, he couldn't lie. He couldn't admit it either. But he definitely couldn't lie. This kiss was making Robbe feel like he'd never felt before. Wild, high. Free. 

Robbe broke the kiss, searching for air. And he was glad that he had chosen that moment to part from Sander. Because the next thing he knows is Jens pushing the door behind them, just giving the two boys time to get away from each other quickly. 

"What are you two doing out there? It's too cold, get back inside."

Sander walked towards Jens, through the door, never looking back. And that's the last time Robbe sees him before he and his friends leave the party and go home. 

°°°

It had been a week since that thing between Robbe and Sander had happened. And they hadn't exchanged a word about it. Not that Robbe had made any effort to try to talk to Sander. Deep down, he was afraid. He didn't know what to say. He didn't even understand what had happened. They were arguing and suddenly all he knew was that Sander had his mouth on Robbe's. And Robbe couldn't get it out of his head for some sick reason. Lucky for him, during the week, he didn't have to worry about a possible encounter with the older boy, at least that. Although there hadn't been any effort on Sander's part to try and talk to him either. Maybe it was for the best. They could just ignore what had happened and act normally. 

Robbe's thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the bell. Robbe ignored, Milan could perfectly go there. 

Robbe grabbed his phone that was lying in bed, opening it in the chat with Jens. Maybe being with his best friend was all Robbe needed to relax and stop thinking about what he shouldn't have. He was starting to write the message when someone knocked on his door that was already open. Robbe didn't even bother to turn the body towards the person, it was probably Milan pissing him off again.

"What?"

"We need to talk."

Robbe recognized Sander's voice immediately and his body was automatically tense. What was Sander doing here? And why couldn't he have warned Robbe? He couldn't turn around. He just couldn't. He wasn't brave enough. How could he look at Sander after that kiss? Just how? When it was all Robbe had been thinking about these days? When this thought had kept him awake every fucking night? Sander's lips. God. Sander's lips on his lips, the gentle way Sander's hand had touched him, his taste. No. Robbe knew he didn't mean it. He couldn't. He didn't like Sander, right? Then why was it so hard to keep his head out of him?

Robbe's voice sounded low, almost in a whisper, "we need?"

The brunet heard the brief sigh that escaped Sander's mouth, followed by the sound of smalls steps and the noise of the door being shut. He could feel Sander's presence near him. After a few seconds of silence, Robbe finally gave in. There was no point in trying to escape now, he thought. They were going to have to end up talking to each other. Better now than to let this go on any longer. Robbe lifted his head, slowly turning towards the other boy, staring at him, letting his gaze run through Sander. The blond boy's eyes were fixed on him, staring, his face holding a serious expression. Robbe knew nothing good would come of this conversation, he just knew. He could feel it from the moment his eyes pierced Sander's intense green eyes. 

Sander took a step forward, getting closer to Robbe. He was nervous, Robbe could see that. Since they'd met, there hadn't been a single moment when Sander had seemed less than confident and sure of himself. Robbe used to look at him and see him as this intimidating figure. He still saw him like that sometimes. But now? There was nothing intimidating about him. In reality, he seemed small, uncertain. And he kept staring at Robbe. Sander's mouth would open for brief seconds, only to close again, the words never coming out. Fuck. Why couldn't he just talk at once? End it all at once? 

Sander let a sigh escape again, finally speaking, "huh, we need to. Look, what happened... I mean, that kiss, that was..."

"That was...," Robbe interrupted Sander quickly. What was the point? He already knew how this was gonna end. With Sander saying that that kiss wasn't supposed to happen, that it was just because he was upset how things between him and Britt had ended, that he had- well, Robbe didn't know. He had no idea why. All he knew was that it didn't mean anything to Sander, Robbe was sure of that. Fuck, it didn't even mean anything to Robbe. Why was he so upset, then?

"...that was just a fucking mistake," Robbe swallowed down his nerves. The words tasted so bad in his mouth, but this had to be done, "nothing else, we had both drunk and it happened, that's it, no need to talk, right?"

Sander looked away quickly, but Robbe managed to capture a glimpse of frustration in his eyes before he faced the brunet again with the determined and confident look that was usual in him. 

"Right, just a fucking mistake."

Robbe didn't lose the way these words came so easily from Sander's lips. The blond boy's expression was completely empty now, not a single emotion seemed to hover there. 

Sander walked away from Robbe, heading towards the door, opening it and stopping for a few seconds to look back again.

"I'm glad we're on the same page. I didn't want you to think it meant anything to me. Because it didn't mean a fucking thing."

The brunet just nodded, trying to pretend indifference to the words that were leaving Sander's mouth. He wasn't going to let Sander affect him. Sander. The boy Robbe swore to hate.

"Hey, Robbe?"

The brunet looked at the other boy who hadn't left the room yet, muttering, "What?"

"Just so you know, when I kissed you, I was thinking about Britt the whole time."

And then he was gone. 

And just like that, Robbe allowed himself to let go completely. Finally letting himself feel, all the thoughts and feelings consuming him. The tears he'd tried to suppress with all his strenght fell quickly down his cheeks, his body shaking uncontrollably. Robbe raised both arms over his body, hugging himself. He was feeling so small, so insignificant. When had Sander ever made him feel that way? What had changed since that night? Why had his indifference and cold eyes hurt Robbe so much?

  
°°°

Robbe's phone vibrated on the nightstand, ending the silence that had formed in the small room since Sander had left hours ago. Robbe reached out to grab it, unlocking, and was soon bombarded with messages from his friends. Something about a party at Jana's house. He quickly wrote a lame excuse that he couldn't, something like he had to go visit his mom today, then put down his phone. The truth was, he didn't feel like going to a party at all. He was tired. He wasn't so proud to admit that he had spent the whole afternoon crying in the comfort of his bed, away from everything. 

Fuck, he was such an fool. And all this because of Sander? This had to be the peak of fucking stupidity.

A knock on the door took Robbe out of his mind. Milan's voice sounded low on the other side, "Can I come in?"

Robbe took his hands to his face immediately, wiping some of the cold tears that still flowed down his face. He didn't even want to know what he looked like now. He bet he looked as bad as he felt. Robbe mumbled a yes, allowing Milan into his room.

Robbe could sense Milan's hesitant steps, approaching his bed. Normally, the older boy had no problem getting into Robbe's space and might even be a bit invasive. But now, he seemed a bit uncertain.

"So...," Milan started talking, "I tried to give you space for a few hours until you decided to leave this room, but..."

Milan approached Robbe's bed, sitting slowly next to him, his gaze never leaving the younger boy.

"I didn't know you two hanged out without the others... he seemed upset when he left."

Robbe couldn't help the stupid tears that filled his eyes again, making it harder for him to see clear. Milan was quick to take his hand to Robbe's hand that was scattered on the bed, caressing it carefully. 

"Hey, Robbe, it's okay. What's going on?"

Robbe's voice came out husky from his mouth, almost in a whisper, "I don't know."

"You can talk to me, Robbe."

Robbe sighed slowly, lifting his body from the bed, slipping close to Milan. There was no point in trying to get away from this. Milan could be many things, but he cared too much for Robbe, just like an older brother. He wouldn't leave Robbe's room without understanding what was going on. And besides, even if Robbe tried to deny it, he trusted Milan 100%, even though he had only known him for a few months.

Robbe filled his chest with courage before he started talking, "last Friday at the party, me and Sander, well... we kissed."

Robbe didn't lose the way Milan's lips stood up in a discreet smile, his face lighting up with a proud expression. What does this even mean?

"Robbe, that's good. So, you two?" 

"Me and him what?"

"I mean, did you like that?"

"What?" Robbe raised both arms in the air in a defensive way, an incredulous look crossed his face, "of course I didn't like it. Hello Milan, this is Sander we're talking about."

"I don't understand, Robbe," Milan said with a confused look, "so why are you even crying?"

Robbe looked away at the floor quickly, talking softly, "because Sander said mean things to me."

The youngest boy looked up again staring at Milan who looked even more confused. Fuck, who was Robbe trying to fool? He was confused too. 

Robbe was perfectly aware that he had started that argument, but Sander had been so unnecessarily cold. His words kept echoing through Robbe's mind. Every single one of them. But what had really hurt Robbe wasn't exactly those words. It was the way Sander said them. The indifference in his eyes. How he had turned again to a Robbe who was already in the abyss of falling apart right there in front of him, and had had the courage to say that. _I was thinking about Britt the whole time_. That right there. That was what had hurt Robbe the most. As these thoughts went through Robbe's head, the sadness began to quickly turn to anger. Because how could Sander? How could Sander have kissed him like that? Make Robbe feel like he'd never felt before? To then say that? That the whole time. The. Whole. Fucking. Time. There was someone else in his head? 

And it was at this very moment that Robbe realised that maybe, maybe, he wasn't that indifferent to the blond boy afterall. Maybe there was something about Sander that kept pulling Robbe's mind to him. Whether it was just an attraction, or something else. There was something there. But Robbe was too proud to admit anything. 

"Milan, I appreciate you worrying about me, but I really want to be alone now."

The older boy nodded his head. It was obvious this wasn't over, but for now he was gonna respect Robbe and his space. If he wanted to be alone, he was gonna give it to him. 

Milan got up from his bed, walking to the door, out of the room, not before taking one last look in Robbe's direction.

Robbe was alone again with his thoughts. So what if Robbe had liked the kiss? It wouldn't change anything. _Sander could go fuck himself._


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Sander?" Robbe said as he kept staring at the floor, "I'm sorry for what I said."
> 
> The brunet raised his head hoping to find a pair of green eyes fixed on him. But when he looked, Sander was already leaving.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can you tell i love the word 'really'?

Robbe was completely fucked. Seriously, at this point it was like the whole universe was against him in every possible way. There was no way. As if everything Robbe was going through with his parents wasn't enough, his situation with his friends was getting worse. It was like they couldn't see through Robbe anymore. He didn't know what he had to do to get their attention. Skip a few classes? Making lame excuses not to go out with them during the week? None of that worked. Robbe could literally be there or not. It was the same for them. They just couldn't see him. Moyo and Aaron? Robbe expected that. So it wasn't much of a surprise. But from Jens? His best friend since forever? Robbe didn't understand. And here's the thing. When Jens was going through all that situation with Jana, Robbe was the first to be on his side and help him. And Jens hadn't had to tell him anything about it, because Robbe knew him. And he knew that Jens needed him to be on his side. And that was so fucking unfair. Why couldn't Jens be on Robbe's side now when he needed it so bad? But Robbe was too proud. And he wouldn't beg for Jens' friendship. Not when all he'd done was support him at all times, in any situation, without even questioning it. And so, Robbe chose to keep it all to himself. So what if he was having one of the worst times of his life? With the way his friends were acting lately, turning to them was definitely not an option for Robbe. He was too tired of trying to get their attention. So for now, he was just gonna pretend everything was fine. 

And that was probably the reason Robbe agreed to meet them and the girls at the skatepark, once again. That, and the fact that Zoë would drag him with her if he decided to lock himself in his room one more night. It wasn't good for him to always be so isolated, she had said. 

And this is exactly why Robbe was completely fucked. Like things couldn't get any worse, he'd have to see Sander there as well. The last time Robbe had laid eyes on Sander was exactly a week ago. And how had it all ended? With Robbe's heart being ripped out of his chest. Okay, so this was probably an exaggeration. But Sander had really hurt Robbe. With all the letters. And now he didn't know what he was supposed to do. Act like everything was still the same? Like he hadn't spent the last seven nights rolling around in bed, a pair of green eyes in his mind, keeping him away from sleep? Robbe couldn't do that. He knew he couldn't just stand in front of the blond boy without falling apart completely. Looking at him would bring back all the memories of last Friday. All the words that Robbe had tried so hard to erase from his mind. _Just so you know, when I kissed you, I was thinking about Britt the whole time._ How could he look into Sander's eyes after that? Plus, how could he even pretend it hadn't affected him at all when it was all he had in mind. 

But Robbe was aware of one thing. Sander hadn't tried to talk to him once, all week. Not a single message. He hadn't even shown up at his school to go out with the boys like he did every Wednesday, without exception. He knew Sander was avoiding him as much as he was avoiding him. And that meant only one thing to Robbe. Sander didn't care. He didn't give a damn about Robbe or what was going on with him. That day at the party. The night of the kiss, which Robbe was still basically trying to forget. Sander acted like he cared about him. He kept trying to be nice to Robbe. But Robbe knew it was just a big fucking lie. A sick way to try to mess with his head. There was nothing good about Sander when it came to Robbe. That, he was sure of. 

So if Sander wanted to keep ignoring Robbe and pretend absolutely nothing had happened between them, keep acting like that kiss didn't happen, Robbe was on his way to doing exactly the same thing. Because, why not? Sander had made it quite clear that it meant nothing to him. That Robbe meant nothing to him. 

And with this thought in his mind, Robbe forced his body out of his room. He wasn't gonna let Sander win this time. He'd won too many times already. This was definitely a game that could be played by two.

And besides, Sander had meant nothing to Robbe either.

  
°°°

  
As soon as Robbe got to the skatepark and started walking towards his friends who were already there, there were only two thoughts going through his head. First, this wasn't a game that could be played by two. No, Robbe was the only one being played, he was sure. Second, Sander meant nothing to him. Robbe was such a liar. Because there was no way that Sander couldn't have meant anything to him. Not when the image in front of him had made his throat close and a weird sensation go through his belly, almost as if waves of pain went through his whole body. This time he could say he felt his heart being torn out. Not broken, but torn. It wasn't an exaggeration. Sander's arms embraced Britt's waist, keeping her close. The blonde girl's hands held the platinum-blond hair, her fingers caressing them softly, while they were close to each other. They had a personal conversation going between the two of them, oblivious to everything that was happening around them. Robbe couldn't even look. He just wanted to get out of there, go back to his room. He wanted to be alone. He could just turn around and run out of there. Nobody would notice. He could make up an excuse for his friends. But what was the point again? Sander wouldn't just leave for good. And sooner or later, Robbe would have to be in the same space as him. Either he liked it or not.

Robbe closed his eyes for a few seconds, taking a deep breath. Ignoring the pain he was feeling right now, he forced his feet to walk towards the group. Small, dragging steps. He wasn't going to let it affect him. He couldn't let it affect him. It didn't matter how. If Sander wanted to be with Britt, then let him be with her. Robbe didn't care. They both could fuck off. 

"Here's the man, Robbe." Aaron was the first to notice his presence. His voice sounded loud, making everyone turn towards Robbe. With all eyes on him, Robbe just waved to the group, sitting next to Jens. Robbe was too tired and frustrated to even force a word out of his mouth. If anyone there noticed that, they certainly didn't show it. The girls refocused on a conversation between them, while the boys were concentrated on trying to come up with new ideas for a vlog. Robbe couldn't bring himself to care about it. Fuck the vlogs. He just wanted his friends back. He just wanted them to care enough to do something. Tonight was already going bad.

Robbe turned his head to the side, stopping his gaze at the blond boy who was still a few yards from the group, his arms still wrapped in Britt. Sander hadn't even looked in Robbe's direction once. How did he know that? Because Robbe had continued to steal glances at him since he had arrived. And at none of those times did Sander look back. He was still absorbed in whatever he was talking with Britt. Robbe refocused his attention on the conversation his friends were having. Or at least, he pretended to be even a little bit interested in what they were saying. At this point, he didn't even know what was worse. Keeping his eye on Sander or the guys who were chatting around him in a lively way without worrying about Robbe's lack of reaction. Anyway, he didn't want to look at either situation. They both hurt too much. And even if that was the case, Robbe couldn't force himself to ignore the energy of Sander's presence, the way that just being there, so close to him, was enough to make a mixture of emotions go through Robbe's body, and his mind. And even if Robbe wanted to continue to deny himself the way the older boy affected him, he couldn't make his body feel the same. He couldn't stop looking for the soft blond hair or the intense green eyes. Robbe had no idea whether he was angry, sad or completely broken. He wasn't indifferent. For some fucking reason. That he knew.

And that's why Robbe kept looking in Sander's direction, maybe hoping he would look back. If only for a brief second. Something to tell him, to assure him, that maybe Sander had lied. That maybe it meant something to him. That maybe Robbe was worthy of some kind of interest, or importance. That he wasn't the only one who couldn't stop thinking about that kiss. How soft and intense and free it had been. That maybe he wasn't the only one who couldn't erase Sander from his mind. That maybe Sander couldn't stop thinking the same thing. But he got nothing. Sander didn't even seem to notice Robbe there. But that wasn't a surprise to Robbe. He never got anything back, no matter how much he wanted it. It was usual for him. 

At this point, Robbe would rather see things go back to normal than this whole situation. He'd take back the teasing, the less pleasant comments and even the little arguments. All this would be better than pretending or ignoring each other's presence, acting as if nothing had happened between the two. 

"Robbe?" Jens' voice dragged him back from his thoughts.

"What?" Robbe murmured almost inaudibly. He didn't have the head to hear anything the boys were saying. Not when his head was full with some certain green eyes. 

Robbe finally looked in the direction of his friends, watching each of them look back at him with an upset expression. Moyo shook his head, finally saying, "Are you even listening to anything we're saying? We need ideas, man. Update the channel, new vlogs."

Seriously, the fucking vlogs again? They couldn't just shut up about it. Robbe couldn't be less concerned about that. He had a lot more to stress about than some stupid videos. 

"I don't know, Moyo." 

Robbe really tried to keep his voice down when he said that. He really tried. But he couldn't do it anymore. This whole thing was starting to get too boring. Robbe analyzed each one of their expressions, hoping they'd let it go. Did he need his friends to finally notice him? Of course he did. But not today. An argument was all he didn't need today. Even if all Robbe wanted to do was scream in their faces, he didn't have enough energy to do it now. But of course they weren't gonna let that pass. 

Aaron, as usual, was the one who had no problem being the first to intervene, "bro, what's happening with you?"

What was happening with him? Well, there was a lot going on with Robbe. Not that his friends had figured anything out so far. 

"Nothing. Maybe I just don't care about these stupid vlogs anymore."

Robbe didn't lose the way Moyo's expression quickly changed into an offended one. Robbe knew he cared too much about those vlogs, it was the only thing Moyo could really take seriously. He took a deep breath, already waiting for the commentary to knock him back. Just please don't let this be an argument, Robbe thought. Please. 

"Stupid vlogs"? Is that what you think?"

"I didn't mean it like that, Moyo, you know that."

"But do I really? Because I feel like I don't know anything when it comes to you these past few weeks." 

Robbe watched Moyo look at Jens for support before he could feel his best friend's gaze on him, a worried expression running across his face. 

"He's kinda right, Robbe," Jens said, "you've been acting different, we've all noticed that."

Robbe let out an ironic laugh, shaking his head slightly, "I've been acting different? Well, I'm glad you guys noticed that. You don't seem to care about much lately," Robbe stopped for a few seconds, evaluating the guys' expression, before continuing to talk again, "I mean, beyond the normal, of course. Parties, girls and being Sander's little puppys, following him around all the time."

Robbe saw Jens lifting both arms in the air quickly, while Moyo and Aaron just stared at him frustated.

"So, that's what this is about," Jens said, "Robbe, you really need to let go of that fixation you have on Sander. I told you, we're not gonna stop hanging out with him just because you decided you didn't like him."

Robbe's voice came out louder when he hit back, "I don't have a fixation on him. And this isn't even about him at all. This is about you guys."

"About us? And what about us?" Jens contested it. 

Robbe had had enough. He really couldn't have a bit of quiet.

"About you acting like the worst friends," Robbe sighed deeply, closing his eyes. He couldn't look at the boys in front of him, "this is about you not giving a fuck about me all these weeks. Do you guys even know what's going on? The whole situation with my parents and this right here... and as if that wasn't enough, everything that's happening with Sa-" 

Robbe stopped immediately, opening his eyes again. Fuck, was he really about to say this here? In front of them? And now that Sander had crossed Robbe's mind again since he had started this discussion with his friends, he remembered that the rest of the group were also there. And they could hear everything. It wasn't as if they were being exactly silent. And that meant the blond boy could hear everything as well. Robbe couldn't turn around to check it. He was too ashamed to do that. But from the silence that had set in, he could tell that each one of them was looking in his direction right now. He just needed to get out of there. Being there was starting to be too suffocating. 

"Robbe, look," Jens started talking, approaching Robbe, his hand going quickly to his best friend's shoulder, "can we jus-"

Robbe retreated quickly, refusing Jens' touch, "whatever, Jens."

And with that said, Robbe began to move away from the group, fast and precise steps. Without looking back once. He couldn't face any of them. He could still hear Zoë's voice calling him, but the voice kept getting further and further apart. For the first time, Robbe wished that no one would follow him. He didn't want to talk to anyone. He wanted to be alone. He didn't even want to come here in the first place. He should have just stayed home.

Robbe heard loud footsteps following him, a hand quickly grabbing his shoulder, making him turn to the person in question. He was immediately confronted with the pair of green eyes that had been haunting him lately. Sander. Exactly the one person Robbe didn't really need to see right now. Or never, if he could. What did he even want? Robbe thought. To bring Robbe down even further, as if that argument hadn't already done that?

Sander kept looking at Robbe, silently, never breaking the contact, his hand squeezing tighter around Robbe's shoulder, not letting him go. As much as Robbe wouldn't admit it to himself, he couldn't stand the touch of the blond boy on him. At least, not in this situation. It made his heart beat faster in his chest, heat radiating all over his body. His touch made him feel completely vulnerable. And that's exactly what Robbe couldn't feel about him. Vulnerability. That gave Sander a certain power. And he had already too much effect on the brunet. He couldn't let Sander get any more of him. Robbe abruptly shook Sander's hand off his shoulder that just dropped heavy next to his body. How bad would it be if he just turned around and ran away? Ignore him, make him feel like he was a nobody. Or at least someone who wasn't worthy of Robbe's attention. It wasn't like Sander didn't just do that to him.

Then, why was it so hard for Robbe to just move his feet and get out of there? Why, even after everything that had happened, did he still long for Sander's gentle touch? His soft voice? Why did he somehow wanted Sander, of all people, to comfort him right now? How stupid could he be to want that?

Robbe watched Sander lean closer to him. He tried to keep the same expression, but his body was tingling everywhere. Sander's scent filled Robbe as he approached him. Robbe hadn't looked behind the blond boy, but he knew his friends could see them now. And he was sure all eyes were on them, even from afar. 

"Robbe," Sander's voice finally cut the silence, sounding low. 

Robbe instinctively shook his head, walking one step back, trying to keep his distance from Sander. He couldn't go through that again. He already knew what was going to happen. The same thing that happened a week ago in Robbe's room. They arguing, Sander faking a hurt expression and Robbe trying to hold back his tears all the time. And how was this supposed to end now? Exactly the same way it ended last time. With Sander tearing Robbe apart again. And then what? He'd probably end up crying for the rest of the night. Again. 

"Robbe," the older boy tried again, "you know we need to talk."

Robbe laughed sarcastically. Now Sander wanted to talk? When he had a whole week to do that?

"What, did you get too tired of ignoring me?" Robbe snorted. He couldn't even try to soften the anger he was feeling right now. Sander was just making it worse, "why don't you just go back there?"

"Ignore you? So what, you haven't been doing exactly the same?" Robbe watched Sander's expression change from a confused to an outraged, "Besides, I don't know why you're so upset about. I thought we'd already settled the kissing thing, why can--"

Robbe interrupted the older boy quickly, "we did. You made sure to tell me it was a fucking mistake."

"Are you serious now, Robbe? You were the one who told me it was a mistake, I just agreed with you. You have no right to be upset about it."

So, that was kind of true. Robbe couldn't argue with Sander on that. But he still wanted to argue with him, anything to make this angry feeling go away. Besides, _Robbe didn't have a right to be upset?_ He had every right to be upset since Sander made him feel that way.

Sander kept talking, his voice getting louder as the words left his mouth, "We kissed, Robbe. And like you said yourself, we'd had a drink and it happened. There's no way to erase that, so deal with it."

Robbe rolled his eyes. Sander couldn't be serious.

"You were the one who kissed me, Sander."

"Really, Robbe? You could have just told me to stop, but you didn't."

"And how the fuck did you want me to do that with your tongue deep in my throat?"

Robbe could feel Sander's look stuck in his. His eyes were empty. They weren't even light green anymore, just dark and empty.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?"

Robbe was fed up. As if Sander didn't know exactly what he'd done. How dumb could he be?

"My problem is that you said it meant nothing to you," Robbe's voice came out loud, exasperated, "you can't just do that, Sander, okay? Kiss me, run away, make me feel worthless and then ignore me. It doesn't work like that."

Sander kept his gaze fixed on Robbe, but he didn't respond. Robbe realised his eyes looked tired. He was breathing heavily, almost as if he'd just run for miles. Other than that, his expression manifested no emotion at all. Sander didn't look angry or happy. Nothing. There wasn't a single emotion going through his face. Robbe didn't understand what was going on in Sander's head. And he wondered if he would ever find out. 

"Just forget about it, Sander."

"You can't just ask me to forget, Robbe," Sander's voice sounded low, "fuck, you're so confusing, just giving me mixed signals all the time. I don't even know what you want exactly, Robbe. And I don't think you do either. And you really need to figure it out."

Robbe closed his eyes to these words. Sander had a point, he thought. Maybe he was confusing. Not maybe, he was definitely confusing. And sure enough, most of the time he didn't know what he wanted. Especially now, with Sander. But 'you really need to figure it out'? He was so tired of everyone around him telling him what he needed to do, or how he needed to act. Robbe wasn't a baby. He could make his own decisions, either they were right or not. Besides, Sander wasn't being fair. Because he didn't know what he wanted as well. One moment he was arguing with Robbe, the next he was kissing him, and the next he was going back to Britt and acting like nothing happened between them. And Robbe just couldn't keep up with him. He was exhausted from even trying. Not just with Sander, but with everyone else. He was always the one the others stepped on. The one who was always too weak to fight back. And that circle needed to end. For Robbe's own sanity. 

And the more these thoughts went through Robbe's mind, the angrier he got. He wanted to hurt Sander more than he did to him. Really hurt him. Make him feel the same way. As twisted as that was. 

Breathing heavily, Robbe opened his eyes, staring at the boy in front of him audaciously. He could do this. His head was just sickly playing little games with him. Sander meant nothing to Robbe. Absolutely nothing. And Robbe would make sure Sander knew that.

Robbe took a deep breath, before forcing the next words out of his mouth, "You're wrong, Sander. I know what I want. I know I want you as far away from me as possible. I don't know what kind of game you're trying to play here, but it's not gonna work. Like I said, you mean nothing to me. You could literally be here or not, I don't care. Then why don't you go back to your barbie girl and leave me the fuck alone?"

Robbe watched as Sander quickly retreated to the sound of his words. Robbe felt sick. What was he doing? This wasn't him. The brunet averted his eyes to the floor. He was too ashamed of himself to even look into Sander's eyes. Why would he even say that? He wanted to make the blond boy feel as miserable as he was feeling. Robbe wanted to hurt Sander. But not like this. Never like this. He knew he'd gone too far. But there was nothing he could do now. Anything he said wouldn't do any good. It was done. And there was no way to take it back.

"Sander?" Robbe said as he kept staring at the floor, "I'm sorry for what I said."

The brunet raised his head hoping to find a pair of green eyes fixed on him. But when he looked, Sander was already leaving.

Robbe felt like there were needles under his skin, making him suffer slowly. His throat hurt when he tried to hold back the tears that threatened to fall at any moment. He watched Sander walking back to his friends. He didn't even look back once at the little boy who was still standing there watching him leave. Robbe finally let go of the deep sigh that had been stuck in his mouth the whole time. He wanted to scream out loud, let all the frustration that had built up come out once and for all. But he wasn't going to let it happen again. Cry because of Sander? Robbe was tired of doing that. 

  
°°°

  
Robbe spent the rest of the night stuck in his room. Zoë stopped by after arriving from the skatepark to try to figure out if everything was okay with him, but gave up after several attempts without ever getting an answer. Milan didn't even try once. He knew that when Robbe was like that it was better to leave him alone with his thoughts. And Robbe was grateful that the older boy respected his privacy. He knew that, at any moment, he was gonna have to talk to Milan. He wasn't gonna let it go just like that, not when they'd already left the other conversation unfinished. But at least Milan was giving him time and space to think. 

Robbe spent the whole weekend continuously checking his phone every possible second, hoping to get a message from the boys. If they didn't solve this now, he didn't know how he was even gonna face them at school on Monday. And it's not like he could get away from them there. How ironic was this situation? Robbe went from ignoring them to getting the silent treatment himself. And it wasn't a good feeling. Not when he needed his friends on his side. Were they forgiven? Definitely not. Robbe was still upset about some of their attitudes. But he couldn't be that hypocritical. He hadn't been fair to them either. Of course, they hadn't given a fuck about him when they should have. But he had also pushed them away. So both sides needed to own up to their mistakes. But Robbe wasn't going to take the first step. No. He'd done it too many times. He'd been there for them, always, without question. And every time there was the little argument, he had always admitted it and apologized. They needed to do the same. If not for the whole situation, at least for Robbe to be assured that he could count on them, no matter who was right or not. 

But Robbe got nothing for two whole days. And honestly? He was feeling worse than ever.

  
°°°

  
On Monday, Robbe left home as late as possible to avoid a possible interaction with the boys before classes started. That almost got Zoë to yell at him to finally go. He knew she hated being late. But at least that had worked well for Robbe.

During class, Robbe could just pretend to be focused and avoid looking in the direction of any of the three boys. But when the bell rang and everyone started packing to leave, he knew he couldn't run anymore. So he just took a deep breath, getting ready to face his friends. He didn't know what to do now. What could he even tell them? Of course, they'd already had little arguments between them. Because of Aaron's stupid comments, or when Moyo was pushing Robbe's limits and Jens was forced to intervene. But nothing like this. Nothing that had led to them not even talking to each other for a whole weekend. This was different. And Robbe couldn't deny it, he was fucking nervous. Luckily for him, the boys really decided to take the first step. 

By the time Robbe left the classroom, the three of them were already standing next to each other waiting for him. Robbe let his gaze glide through each of them, taking a good look, carefully evaluating each expression. To his relief, they didn't really seem upset. In fact, each of them held a worried look toward him. Looking at the boys in front of him, Robbe could only curse himself. This whole situation was so ridiculous. These boys were his friends. Why was he so nervous about?

Robbe took a step forward, approaching them, ready to apologize. Fuck what he had thought these last two days. So what if he was always apologizing? That didn't make him weak, it took a lot of courage to put his pride aside. All those thoughts had come from an angry mind. Now that Robbe had had time to think, he realized none of it was worth it. He didn't care who was wrong here, he wanted his friends back. And if he needed to go and apologize in order to get it, he was gonna do it. 

Robbe was ready to finally talk, but Jens was faster than him.

"We're so sorry, Robbe. It's serious," Robbe watched Jens exchange glances with the other two guys, Moyo and Aaron nodding, agreeing with him, "you're right, we haven't done very well with you, we-"

Robbe interrupted his friend, saying quickly, "I'm sorry too... I didn't mean those things."

"Look, Robbe," Jens kept talking, "I really thought you were acting that way because of the situation with your parents, and I just thought, you know what, just give him some space, when he wants to talk, he knows he's got you... and I'm sorry about that, I really don't want you to think you can't talk to me."

Moyo stepped in, giving Robbe the most sincere look, "I know we've had our complications too, but you know I'm here for you, Robbe," Moyo paused, approaching Robbe, passing one of his arms over his shoulders, "except if the conversation involves crying, in that case you can go to Jens."

Robbe smiled at him. A real smile this time. One he hadn't given in a while. 

"What about me?" Aaron asked, his face was holding a confusing expression.

"You're a terrible listener, Aaron," Moyo retorted back, laughing.

Robbe couldn't help laughing along with Moyo. That wasn't only funny, it was also true. Aaron was really terrible at listening to people. But he didn't care, not a bit. It was Aaron's stupid advice that always generated the biggest laughter between them.

"So, are we good?" Jens asked.

Robbe just smiled at him, nodding his head. Everything was fine. Of course, it wasn't gonna stop there. They all still had a lot of work to do between them. They obviously needed to hear each other more. But they were going to work on it. And Robbe was sure there'd still be a lot of arguments in between. But he wasn't worried. They were fine now and that was all that mattered to Robbe. Having his friends back.

"Are we gonna hug now or what?" Aaron asked. Of course it had to be Aaron. 

Robbe shouted a no while Moyo pretended to be running out of there.

Aaron looked at the boys, raising his arms in the air defensively, "Come on, group hug. I read online it was good to be in touch with our feelings."

Jens just shrugged his shoulders, passing his arm over Aaron's shoulders and pulling Moyo and Robbe towards them. It was a messy hug. They were all just laughing the whole time. Aaron even groped Robbe in a joking way, immediately receiving a slap on his head. Robbe was finally starting to relax. He wasn't upset anymore. Sure, the situation with Sander was still a very bad one, but at least he had these boys right here. So not everything was bad.

Moyo broke the hug, waving at Robbe and Jens, dragging Aaron out of school with him. Robbe knew this had been arranged between them. There were certain things he could only trust Jens to talk about. So when Jens looked at him, Robbe knew he couldn't run away. But to be honest, he didn't want to either. He was tired of keeping everything to himself. 

"Back to the two of us," Jens said, "is everything really okay between us?"

Robbe nodded, "It is, Jens. It's all good."

"So, I didn't want to bring this, I was expecting you to do that," Jens started a bit uncertain, "what's really happening with Sander? We all saw you guys arguing on Friday, it was a bit impossible not to notice."

Robbe shrugged his shoulders, "I don't really know."

"He seemed pretty upset when he came back to us."

"I may have said some fucked-up things to him," Robbe said. He tried not to think about it over the weekend. He really tried. But his mind always took him back to the blond boy. And how it had hurt him the way Sander had looked at him. He could take Sander's cold stare, even the pissed-off look. But the hurt look? It had been too much for Robbe. And to think he'd caused it, only made him feel worse. 

"Look, I'm not the one to judge. But like, you two used to tease each other all the time, but nothing like this. All you guys do now is argue, and it looked really bad."

Robbe took a deep breath, filling his lungs with air, gathering the courage to finally talk. If he couldn't trust Jens, then who could he really trust?

"We... i mean, at the party we went to at his friend's house," Robbe stopped for a brief second, before going on, the words came out of his mouth quickly, "well, me and Sander, we..."

"Yeah, you and Sander?"

"We kissed." 

Robbe looked at Jens, analyzing his expression. His face was a mixture of confusion and joy.

"No way. You and Sander?"

"Looks like it."

Jens let out a happy giggle, tapping Robbe on the shoulder, "I still don't know how the hell that happened, but that's kind of good, right? Did you like it?"

Robbe said a little too loud, "Of course I didn't like it. Hello Jens, this is Sander we're talking about."

"So?" Jens asked, "I knew the foreplay between you two couldn't last forever."

Robbe opened his eyes wide quickly, an incredulous expression on his face, "Excuse me, Jens?"

"Yeah, you know, all the teasing, the looking. I can literally feel the tension between you two."

Robbe turned his eyes to Jens' comment. There was no tension between him and Sander. And if there was, it was the bad kind. The kind that makes you want to hit the person. 

"Come on, Robbe."

"I told you, Jens. There's nothing between me and Sander."

Jens tried again, "So you didn't like the kiss?"

Robbe shook his head. 

"Not even a little? I don't believe it."

Jens was impossible. And as much as he was impossible, he was also right. Robbe considered changing the subject, maybe even making up an excuse to get out of there. But none of it was gonna be worth it. At the end of the day, he was gonna keep lying to himself. And maybe it was time to stop doing that. This was Jens in front of him, his best friend. Robbe could trust him.

"I don't know. Maybe a little."

"So you liked it."

Robbe snorted. Like he said, Jens was really impossible.

"I don't really know what's holding you two?"

Robbe laughed sarcastically. Because, what was holding them? He could literally make a giant list with all the reasons.

"I don't know, Jens. Think with me. Mmmh, uh, I know. Maybe the fact that he has a girlfriend. Besides, he's annoying."

"He doesn't have a girlfriend, I told you, he and Britt aren't together anymore."

That was a fucking lie. They weren't together anymore? Robbe had seen for himself the way they were together on the skatepark. To the point of being nauseating. At least for Robbe. 

"Come on, Jens. You saw him and Britt on Friday, too."

"I don't really know what the fuck they were trying to do, but I can tell you for sure, they're not together. Sander himself told me that."

Robbe wanted to believe Jens. He really wanted to. He wanted to believe that there was nothing between Sander and Britt. Or at least, no longer. Why would he want to believe that? Because he couldn't bear to think of Sander with anyone but him. He wanted to be the only one who could touch Sander with gentle fingers and get to know him. And be able to kiss those soft red lips. And to be able to stare into those intense green eyes for hours in silence, just listening to his light breath. And fuck, Robbe was so gone for Sander. He couldn't even hold this any longer, even if he wanted to. And Robbe thought that, once this realization got to him, all he would feel was anger, confusion. Denial. But all he felt was relief, as if something too heavy had finally left his chest.

But it was no use. Sander had been clear. He didn't like Robbe. Even if Robbe liked him.

"Jens?" 

Robbe's best friend looked at him waiting for whatever he was gonna say to him.

"Maybe I like Sander a little bit," Robbe felt like he could finally breathe after all these days, "not a lot, you know, like, maybe just a little bit."

Jens smiled openly at him. Robbe didn't have to say anything else. Jens knew what that meant. And he was more than happy that Robbe had trusted him enough to admit it. 

"Look, I won't get myself involved, I think it has to be settled just between you two, but I really hope you guys talk to each other," Jens said, "what do you say, next Friday, your house, you, me, the guys and we invite Sander, too? I don't want to push you, but it's a good chance for you."

Robbe nodded. He could work with that. He still had time until Friday to think about what he was gonna say to Sander. Here's the thing, Robbe was sure there'd be nothing between them. But if he could at least win the blond boy's friendship, he'd be more than happy. He could keep his feelings to himself, but he couldn't keep denying it. Robbe was tired of trying to act like he hated him, that wasn't true. 

Sander meant something to Robbe. And those feelings weren't gonna go away anytime soon. He didn't know how Friday would go. Because even if Robbe had stopped lying to himself, he didn't know if he was ready to admit it to Sander. But things couldn't go on like this. So there were only two options. Either they worked things out between them, or they stayed away from each other, once and for all, from now on. And the second option wasn't really an option for Robbe. He wanted the older boy to stick around. He wasn't ready to let go of Sander. Not without first trying. So, things better go well.

_Fuck, stupid Sander and his stupid pretty face._


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Then he let it out in a whisper, hoping it was enough for Sander to hear. Robbe really didn't want to say this any more than he had to. 
> 
> "I was jealous."
> 
> Lucky for Robbe, the older boy seemed to understand the words. Or, at least, that's what the confused look on his face indicated.
> 
> "Of what?" Sander questioned.
> 
> Robbe bit his lower lip slowly, looking down.
> 
> "Of you, Sander."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is FINALLY the last chapter of this fic. For all those who read it, i really hope you enjoyed it 😊💖

Robbe was spread out on his bed, one of his hands holding a biology book, as he tried to read the words over and over again without success. He couldn't focus, his mind kept taking him to other places, even if he tried to push those thoughts away. His own words had gotten stuck in his head. _I know I want you as far away from me as possible. You could literally be here or not, I don't care_. Robbe couldn't understand how he had managed to say these words. That wasn't him. Or at least, Robbe hoped it wasn't. 

He'd kept his phone as close as possible all week hoping to get something from Sander. Any sign that could show him that maybe it wasn't all lost, that he and Sander could still work things out between them. But he never got anything. And to be honest, he wasn't surprised at all. Robbe knew he deserved this. What he said to Sander was fucked up and he really didn't expect the older boy to want to hear anything from him. Robbe knew Sander owed him nothing, but he couldn't get it out of his mind. He wanted at least to apologize. He wanted Sander to know he was sorry for that. Maybe he even wanted him to know how Robbe felt about him. But that wasn't even the main thing for him. Just to end these little arguments and finally be able to move on, and, maybe even try a friendship between them, was what was important to Robbe. 

But Sander hadn't even tried to talk to Robbe. And Robbe was afraid to take the first step. He didn't even know what he could tell Sander. He'd had all week to think about it, but he didn't have a single idea. And every second that passed was literally torture for Robbe. Like _'I'm sorry if I was an idiot with you, not just that day, but since I met you, the thing is, I like you'._ This already sounded ridiculous in his head. But saying it out loud, in front of Sander? He'd make a fool of himself. 

But Robbe needed to get this off his chest, it was starting to be too much for him. He even thought about going to Sander's college. Try to talk to him there, away from his friends. It would be so much easier. And maybe they could sort things out as soon as possible. But how could Robbe really do that? He didn't even know when Sander would be there. Or where to even look. And this thought had hit Robbe hard. Because, what did Robbe really knew about him? Beyond what his friends told him, or what he'd retained from the few interactions he'd had with him. And even those little interactions had always ended in arguments, multiple spitting provocations between the two. Robbe didn't knew much about Sander. And honestly? He hadn't even tried to. From the moment Robbe had laid his eyes on Sander, he hadn't liked him. Or at least, that's what he had thought. He'd never even given Sander a chance. He just excluded him in the worst possible way. And all of this for what? Because of his friends? Looking back, Robbe felt so ridiculous. Because how could he even think it was all Sander's fault? His friends had always been idiots. Even before Sander came on the scene. It wasn't news. And blaming Sander for their behavior had been so low. Robbe couldn't even find a reason why he did it. Or at least one that made sense. Like, of course, most of the time Sander was cocky, and he didn't care about the rules. And sometimes he was way too confident. But since when was that a good reason to not like someone? Deep down, Robbe wished he could be as free as Sander. Just go there, do his thing and not have to apologize for it. But he wasn't. He thought too much, he spent all his time trying to please everyone around him, he apologized too much. And he was still very insecure about himself. And now, because of that, he couldn't even get a second chance with Sander. And the irony of that was too laughable for him. He'd spent so much time pushing Sander away, wishing he could just disappear from all the fucking places. And now, here was Robbe. His mind filled with a pair of bright green eyes and soft skin. And all he wanted right now was to be able to meet Sander. All the things he'd deprived himself of knowing for some fucking childish reason. To learn every little detail about him. Why art was such a big part of Sander's life. Why he loved black or coffee so much. Or Bowie. And why did he carry that damn green bag everywhere. And this made Robbe stop. There were some details of Sander that Robbe didn't really think he knew. But maybe he'd paid more attention to Sander than he liked to admit. And now, he wished he hadn't been so dumb. Because if he had accepted Sander from the start, at this point, he would have known a lot more about him. Things that would probably make Robbe like him more. Or hated him more. When it came to Sander, he couldn't exactly define it. 

A knock on the door silenced Robbe's thoughts. 

"Hey, cutie," Milan's voice sounded on the other side of the door, "can I come in?"

Robbe lifted his head slightly and murmured a yes, letting Milan into his room. 

"We still have a conversation pending, you know that, right?" Milan asked, "I don't want to pressure you, but I really hope you talk to me."

"I know," Robbe straightened up on the bed, sitting down, giving Milan room to sit next to him.

As soon as Milan settled into Robbe's bed, the two boys stared at each other without saying a word. Robbe could see Milan's mouth slowly opening and then closing. No words coming out of it. Robbe knew Milan was being cautious about what he was going to say and he couldn't be more grateful for it. He knew that these past few weeks he hadn't been the best company. And that he shouldn't have pushed Milan away when he was just trying to help him. But Milan was still there, ready to listen to whatever Robbe was going to trust him with. So, fuck that, he thought. 

"I like Sander," Robbe finally spoke. 

He didn't lose the way Milan's eyes opened quickly in a confusing expression. After a few seconds, the older boy relaxed his eyes again, looking more surprised than ever. But still, his lips showed a little proud smile. 

"I mean, I know that... I thought it was gonna be harder than this to make you admit it."

"What do you mean?" Robbe asked. First Jens and now Milan. What was it with them acting like Robbe liking Sander was something they knew before? 

"Come on, Robbe," Milan said, "it's so obvious you like him."

Robbe rolled his eyes, but with the biggest silly smile on his face, "Milan, it's not obvious at all."

"I think hearing you complain about him for months made it pretty obvious, you're not that subtle, cutie."

Robbe shook his head, pushing Milan lightly on his shoulder. The older boy just laughed.

"Robbe, you even complained about Sander's way of walking," Milan added, mimicking Robbe, " _Milan, you have no idea, it's so annoying."_

"Because it is," Robbe said defensively, "he moves his arms too much, it's annoying."

"But you like him."

Robbe sighed briefly, speaking softly, repeating the other boy, "but I like him."

Milan moved a little on the bed, getting closer to Robbe, taking one of his hands to his shoulder, caressing carefully. 

"So, what's the problem, Robbe?"

Robbe looked away from Milan's, staring at the floor. There were so many things between him and Sander that he couldn't even list them.

"I want to say this to Sander, I just don't know how."

"How about with words? It always works."

"It's not that easy."

Milan passed his arm over Robbe's shoulders, slowly bringing him into a hug, assuring him that if he was uncomfortable, he could just stop. He knew that Robbe wasn't exactly the most open person and sometimes it was really hard to reach him. 

"I fucked up with him," Robbe finally let go after what seemed like forever, "and now I don't know how to fix it."

"I don't know what happened between you guys, but it's not really my place to know," Milan said, "whatever it is, you need to talk to him, that's the only way to fix things. By talking. Have you tried that?"

Robbe shook his head, adding, "Not really, I don't know what to say. He's coming here tomorrow. Well, not just him. Jens, Moyo and Aaron too," he stopped talking, staring at Milan, "I hadn't said anything yet, but is it okay for them to come, right?"

Milan laughed, "Of course it's okay, I already said, this is your place too, Robbe," he finally broke the hug, adding, "So, big thing coming tomorrow."

Robbe just nodded. The thought of that alone was enough to send shivers all over his body. He was so nervous about seeing Sander. For even being in the same space as him. He just hoped it could go well, that they could work things out. The possibility of it going bad was scary for Robbe. He couldn't face another argument with Sander. Not now that he had a perfect grasp of his feelings. 

"It's gonna be okay," Milan said when he noticed the worried expression on Robbe's face, "you're good, Robbe, and I know Sander knows it too."

Milan then got up from Robbe's bed, accreciating, "I'll leave you with your books now, you need to focus and not think so much about this. Tomorrow you'll know what to say."

Robbe gave him a little smile, watching Milan walk out of his room, closing the door. He tried to focus on the abandoned biology book in his bed again, trying to keep his mind off less positive thoughts. Everything was going to be fine, he just needed to keep telling himself that. 

His phone vibrated on the nightstand, indicating a new notification. He stretched from the bed to grab it, unlocking it quickly. A text from Jens appeared immediately on the screen, causing Robbe's shoulders to fall off briefly. He really thought it might be Sander's. Or at least he wished it could be. Robbe let his eyes run through the message over and over again, feeling a wave of disappointment going through him every time. He dropped his phone on the bed, lying down again, staring up at the ceiling above him. The phone was still open with the text that simply said: 

_"Hey Robbe. Just to let you know, Sander just texted me. He's not coming tomorrow. But everything's still up, right? You need to clear your head, bro. I'll bring the weed."_

Robbe forced himself to grab his phone again, typing a quick message to his friend, assuring him everything was still up. If Sander didn't want to come tomorrow, it was all right for Robbe. He wouldn't give up so easily. Sander was gonna have to listen to him anyway. Robbe had given him space, partly because he was nervous about talking to him too, but he was already tired of waiting. Robbe gathered all the courage he could, going on his phone until he found Sander's number, writing quickly: 

_"Hey Sander. I know I was an asshole with you. And I'm really sorry about that. But we need to talk. Come tomorrow. Please."_

Robbe lay back on bed again, waiting for Sander to write back. He couldn't tell if minutes or hours had passed, the truth is, he never got an answer back. 

And he was fine. Totally fine.

Why couldn't things ever go the way he wanted?

°°°

Robbe got up quickly as soon as the bell rang, collecting his books and hurrying out of the classroom. Once outside, he took his hand in his pocket, grabbing his phone, checking the notifications. No new messages. His shoulders fell slowly. He didn't even understand why. It was clear at this point that Sander was not going to reply. And Robbe couldn't blame him. He knew he deserved this. It was just that, deep down, he had a little bit of hope that the older boy would answer him. He needed Sander to know how sorry he was for the things he'd said. How he didn't mean any of it. He needed him to text back. No matter what it was, even if it was gonna hurt Robbe. He needed Sander to care. 

"Someone's in a hurry," Jens' voice interrupted his thoughts.

Moyo and Aaron followed behind him, busy with a conversation between them. A very loud conversation, if Robbe could say. 

"I was thinking about visiting my mom before going home."

Jens nodded, "How are things?"

"She's getting better. They said she might be out of there in less than three weeks," Robbe said. At least something was going well in his life. And he was so happy about it. Nothing against the flatshare, he loved living there. But being with his mom was different. And he missed it. Missed the peace she trandmitted to him. 

"That's really nice," Jens said, adding, "you know I'm here for anything, right?"

Robbe just nodded. It had been a tough couple of months, but right now, and after the conversation with Jens, he knew he could count on him. 

Jens pointed to the two boys behind him, talking loud enough for them to hear, "and these two idiots too."

Moyo and Aaron interrupted whatever it was they were talking to each other, approaching them. 

"So, are we still up for tonight?" Moyo asked. 

"Only if you bring the beer," Robbe said with a smirk. 

Jens stepped in, staring at Robbe, "By the way, Sander texted me earlier, he's still coming tonight. If that's all right."

Robbe stared at Jens back, nodding. Of course everything was fine. This is exactly what he wanted. Robbe didn't know if it was his text that made Sander change his mind, since he hadn't answered back. But he really hoped it had been. And that it meant that Sander was willing to listen to Robbe. Whatever it was, he was grateful. Maybe the universe wasn't as against him as he thought. 

"Cool," Aaron said out loud, "I've got a few more drawings to show him."

Aaron needed to drop that idea once and for all, Robbe thought. He just wasn't good at it. All his drawings had was a series of random lines. Sander was just too good to tell him that. Fuck, _Sander was too good_. Robbe really never thought he'd say this, not even in his mind, far from anyone listening. 

But he decided to leave it at that. If Aaron wanted to draw, then let him. Robbe wasn't someone to judge. Besides, it was funny to see Aaron rubbing those drawings in Sander's face and watching the blond boy try to give his most positive smile, pretending that was a good attempt. He knew very well that it wasn't. And everyone knew that too (besides Aaron, of course). So Robbe just laughed. Who knows, maybe Aaron could be an artist in the future. 

Moyo interrupted Robbe's thoughts, asking, "Is that okay with you? I mean, Sander there?"

Robbe exchanged a look with Jens, watching his friend arch his eyebrows waiting for his answer. Robbe knew Jens was having fun with all of this. And he also knew he was gonna have to explain to the other two guys what the hell was going on between him and Sander. Whatever happened tonight, good or bad, Robbe knew that he and Sander weren't gonna act the same way with each other again. And, of course, Moyo and Aaron would realize that. They were dumb, but not that much. 

Robbe cleared his throat, finally responding with a smile, "It's okay."

He didn't lose the way Moyo looked at him out of the corner of his eye suspiciously. Aaron simply stared at him with a confused expression - as always. Fuck, if only they knew. 

Moyo tilted his head to the side and opened his mouth to answer back, but Jens was quicker and interrupted him, "So, everything's up. It's all right. I wanted to talk to you guys. I have a few ideas for a vlog."

Robbe made a mental reminder to thank him later. He wasn't ready to admit to Moyo and Aaron what was going on. At least not until he and Sander had worked things out between them. 

The conversation between the boys continued for a few more minutes, just random things that Jens was able to come up with. It was so obvious he had no idea. But once again, Robbe was the only one who realize that. 

After they finally left school, Robbe headed to the center to meet his mom. Spending time with her would absolutely relax him. And he really needed that. Tonight's thought was leaving him in a whirlwind of nerves. And there were still a few hours left. 

°°°

It was a little late and the bell had no way of ringing. Robbe kept walking back and forth in his room, fast and heavy steps, feeling more and more nervous as time went by. The boys were supposed to be there half an hour ago. Or at least that's what they'd agreed on. It wasn't much of a delay, of course. But for Robbe every second was pure torture. His mind kept taking him to every possible scenario that could occur. _Sander eventually not showing up at the end of it all. Sander showing up and not even wanting to talk to Robbe. Sander ignoring him, not even looking him in the eyes. Sander and him arguing, more meaningless words coming out of Robbe's mouth. He feeling sorry one more time. Sander and him_ \- fuck, there were a lot of hypothetical situations that could happen and Robbe wasn't enjoying any of them. And the worst part was, he didn't even have Milan or Zoë to talk to him, to calm him down. The two of them had decided to leave the boys to be alone at the flatshare and had gone out for movie night. Robbe was grateful that they did that, giving him space, considering he'd gotten there last and it was only a temporary situation. But at this point, he really needed to not be alone, or not be alone with his thoughts, and the boys had no way of getting there. 

The bell finally rang and Robbe rushed out of his room to open the door, his own trembling hands fighting against it as they opened it. Robbe was sure that the heaviest sigh had left his lips as soon as he was confronted with the image of Sander right in front of him. Robbe let himself take a long look at him, his eyes cautiously assessing the blond boy. The first thing he noticed were Sander's eyes. They still looked beautiful, as always, but there was a touch of tiredness in them, almost as if they were filled with emptiness. And Robbe wondered if it was possible, if Sander had felt the same way he had these past few days. If Robbe was the reason for the emotionless expression on his face. He didn't want it to be, but at the same time, he kind of longed for it. Because that hurt look on Sander's face meant he cared. And Robbe needed that. He wanted it. He let his eyes go through him for a few more seconds before he faced him again. He still looked good, Robbe thought. So fucking good. And nobody should have the right to look like that. It only made it harder for Robbe to keep his hands on his side of the body, preventing them from reaching Sander's platinum-blond hair that he so eagerly wanted to touch, so close to him. Just running his fingers through his soft hair, feeling the suavity in the palm of his hand. And the way Sander looked him back, never taking his eyes off Robbe's. It was too much. And the silence wasn't helping, either. The two boys remained like that, just staring at each other, strangely quiet for a moment. 

The sound of a continually vibrating phone took Robbe out of his trance. The brunet quickly took his hands in his pocket, pulling the phone out. He ran his eyes through the little screen frantically, being overrun by a bunch of messages from Jens. A series of little texts.

_Sorry, bro. I'm not gonna make it. My mom needs me. Moyo and Aaron texted me, too, they're not gonna make it. I'm sorry, I promise we'll make it up to you next time. I'm sorry, man._

He couldn't be serious, Robbe thought. Only them to cancel at the last minute. And Moyo and Aaron didn't even have the decency to warn Robbe themselves, it had to be Jens. Fuck, now he had Sander at his door, staring at him and he didn't know what to tell him. And there was no one there to calm the obvious discomfort hanging between the two boys. Robbe wrote back a quick 'okay' and put his phone back in his pocket.

He let one sigh slip by looking at the boy in front of him again. Robbe didn't lose the way Sander's face twisted in a confusing expression. He was clearly waiting for Robbe to say something. Or at least invite him in, once and for all. Robbe stood still, with a firm face, refusing to let his nerves get the better of him. He could do this. He just had to use the appropriate words. He couldn't let this night end without him and Sander being able to be in the same space without the weird, hurt looks. 

"It was Jens," Robbe forced the words out of his mouth, saying at last, "it looks like none of them are coming tonight."

Sander nodded his head, one of his hands raised up to his hair, running his fingers through blond strands in a not-so-soft way. Robbe had learned that Sander did this a lot. For the most part, and from what he had noticed through the quick glances he gave him, it happened when Sander was nervous. So, not so often. But Robbe liked when it happened. Not just because he liked to see Sander nervous, a great contrast to the usual confident and intimidating boy. But also because, like, fingers and hair. Robbe definitely liked how messy it looked.

"So," Sander started talking, his tone lower than usual, "I should probably go, then."

Robbe couldn't help the disappointment that went through his face. He really thought the only reason Sander had shown up in the end had something to do with his text. That he was willing to listen to Robbe. Talk to him. Whether or not the other boys were there.  
  
But Robbe had already said, he wasn't about to give up, not when the chance was right there. Standing right in front of him. Sander might not wanted to talk to him, but Robbe wouldn't let him leave without at least knowing he was sorry for the things he'd said.

"I mean, you don't have to go," Robbe said, "Why don't you stay? Just a little bit."

Sander moved uncomfortably from where he was still standing, staring at Robbe, "I don't think that's a good idea."

Robbe could feel that Sander was about to turn around, probably just leaving. He couldn't let that happen. No matter how. It had happened too many times. 

"Just stay," Robbe said, adding in the lowest possible tone of voice, almost a whisper, "Please."

Whatever it was, it definitely made Sander stop. They were silent for a few seconds, just staring at each other. Robbe saw it in Sander's eyes when he finally gave in, taking a step forward. The brunet strayed from where he was, giving Sander room to enter, quickly closing the door behind him. He looked around, seriously wondering if he wanted to talk to him there. Sure, Milan and Zoë weren't home, but they could come back at any time. And he didn't need anyone to interrupt them. 

"We can go to my room," Robbe said, then asked, "is that okay?"

Sander just shrugged his shoulders briefly, keeping it that way. Robbe took that as a sign that everything was fine and started heading to his room. He didn't look back, but the extra steps were the only confirmation Robbe needed to know that Sander was following him. 

As soon as the two boys entered the room and Robbe closed the door, he quickly asked, "Have you seen my text?"

Sander nodded. So that's how it was gonna be, Robbe thought. Sander was just gonna use short phrases and nods and shrugging shoulders. It was fine. Robbe could speak for both of them. He had enough to say, anyway. 

"We need to talk, you know that," Robbe said, trying to ignore the older guy's lack of words, "and I know we both keep saying that, but it's kind of ironic, you know? We keep saying we need to talk and then... we talk and somehow every time we do that, we just create something that needs to be talked about again. And I don't really know why we keep doing that. It's just a fucking circle."

Robbe took a deep breath as soon as he said it, the words just came out of his mouth fast and out of control. He needed to calm down. He knew that. If he wanted to do this right. But Sander wasn't making it easy. He just kept staring at Robbe without ever showing any emotion. Nothing. His face was just empty. Robbe knew he wasn't getting anything from Sander. At least not until he said the right thing. 

"Sander, I'm sorry," Robbe said, adding, "I know I wasn't fair to you... but I want us to be fine, okay? Maybe we can start over, be friends."

Sander laughed sarcastically, rebutting, "friends? You want us to be friends? I'm sorry, Robbe, but that's just a joke. Because that's exactly what I tried at first, to be your friend. And you kept pushing and pushing me until I had no other way but to not like you back. And now you want to be friends." 

Robbe stared at the floor for a brief second, feeling every word that came out of Sander's lips. Deep down, he knew it was true. Sander had really tried to get close to him, but Robbe had been stupid enough to push him away every time, and always in the worst possible way. But Sander hadn't been the best person either. Sure, most of the arguments were always started by Robbe, but the older boy had also known how to provoke him to the point where he had no other way but to hit him back. And Robbe knew that he hadn't been fair to Sander every last time they'd seen each other. But this wasn't something that could be solved just by looking back at the last few weeks. This was something that came from months. And they'd both been wrong with each other. Whether it was intentional or not. So Robbe wasn't the only one there who needed to apologize. 

"Sander, I understand what you're saying. And I'm really sorry about that," Robbe said, hoping not to sound as desperate as he felt, "we weren't both the best for each other, okay? But this doesn't have to go on like this. Let's just give it one more chance, please."

Sander faced Robbe, using a much calmer tone of voice than before, "You don't understand, Robbe. It's been months of you acting like this. And I keep going around in my head and nothing. I have no fucking idea why. When I first met you, I really thought it was just your way, but I've seen you with the others. You're not like that. The bad looks, the constant provocations, this is just for me. And I don't understand."

"Sander, I--" Robbe interrupted himself, not knowing what to say. Wrong, he knew what to say, he just didn't know how. All the ways sounded ridiculous in his head, "I don't know."

Sander sighed heavily, saying, "You do, Robbe. Just make me understand this."

"I don't," Robbe said, repeating himself again. 

"So, I guess we really don't have anything else to talk about," Sander said quickly, turning towards the bedroom door. 

Robbe rushed up to Sander, grabbing his hand tightly, pulling him back at him, trying to get him to stay. And that just made Sander unbalanced towards him. His face within inches of Robbe's, so close to each other. Robbe could feel Sander's heavy breathing on his own skin, sending a wave of heat all over him. Looking at him, he could tell that Sander had been as affected by it as he was. It was undeniable. His green eyes sparkled with temptation, finally replacing the emptiness. And for a moment he thought how easy it would be to glue his lips to Sander's and finally be able to taste him again. But Robbe couldn't do that. Because keeping Sander there was much more important to him than quieting his desire. So he took a step back, letting go of Sander's hand that was still stuck in his, getting himself together again.

Then he let it out in a whisper, hoping it was enough for Sander to hear. Robbe really didn't want to say this any more than he had to. 

"I was jealous."

Lucky for Robbe, the older boy seemed to understand the words. Or, at least, that's what the confused look on his face indicated.

"Of what?" Sander questioned.

Robbe bit his lower lip slowly, looking down. How could he even start? _How about with words? It always works_. Milan's words floated through Robbe's mind. With words. Okay, he could do that. 

"Of you, Sander," Robbe said, starting to explain, the words left his mouth in a calm and controlled way, "I remember when you started hanging out with us and suddenly everyone was all over you, you know? You were that cool, older guy, and everyone seemed to always want to be around you... you still are. And the guys kept talking about you non-stop, everything had to be about you. And I was just there, you know, being me. And nobody cared about that."

Robbe stared at Sander, trying to figure out what was going on in his head right now. And the blond boy just stood there, staring back at him, in silence. Fuck, he was probably gonna make fun of him. Robbe should have just made something up. Anything would have been better than this stupid reason.

"Just say something," Robbe asked after a few seconds. In his defense, it felt like hours. 

Sander cleared his throat, finally saying, "What's wrong with being you?"

So this certainly wasn't what Robbe expected to hear. 

"Too much."

Robbe didn't lose the way Sander shook his head repeatedly in disbelief, "there's nothing wrong with you, Robbe, okay?"

Robbe just shrugged his shoulders, choosing to keep quiet.

"I'm so tired of this, Robbe," Sander added quickly.

Robbe nodded his head, agreeing with the older boy. Fuck if he wasn't tired of it too.

"Why do we even hate each other?" Sander questioned. 

"I don't know. It's stupid, but in my head it was easier not to like you than to admit it."

Sander took the initiative, taking a step forward, approaching Robbe. 

"I'm sorry, Robbe. I never meant to make you feel that way, trust me. And I'm sorry for the things I might have said. I mean, for the things that I clearly said."

Robbe could feel the blond boy getting closer and closer to him. But this time, Robbe had no intention of pushing him away.

"Only if you forgive me for the things I clearly said," Robbe said, repeating him. 

The two boys smiled openly at each other. Robbe finally let out a sigh of relief after what seemed like an eternity of holding his breath. He was aware that they still had a lot of work to do between the two of them, but it didn't matter at that moment. No, right there, all that mattered to him was Sander in front of him. Both apologizing to each other, willing to leave everything behind. And the look on the blond boy's face? Warm, panting, staring back at Robbe with the same intensity. If not more. A look that sent shivers all over him, making Robbe want to curl up in him, and let his arms hold him tight. And looking at Sander, he wondered if it was possible for him to fall more for him. 

But of course it was. With Sander, it was always possible, Robbe had learned. And that was only confirmed by the words that left the blond boy's mouth after the brief minutes of comfortable silence that had settled there. 

"I don't know if I should bring this back," Sander started slowly, "but I just need you to know, Robbe. That day at the party. I wasn't thinking about Britt. That was a fucking lie. I don't even know why I said that. That was you over there, okay? And I kissed you, well, I kissed you because I wanted to."

Robbe's body paralyzed for a few seconds, just processing those words. Sander wanted to kiss him? But why? Could the older boy have feelings for him, too? Robbe wanted to believe that. He really wanted to. But there was no way things made sense. Regardless of what Jens had told him a few days ago, Robbe had seen it. He had seen Sander and Britt. Together. And if he wanted to kiss him, why was he with her just a few days later? 

Robbe could just leave it at that. Just shut it down. It would be so much easier. He could just pretend it didn't affect him, and maybe he could force himself to just keep a friendship with Sander. That was good enough, right? But still, he wanted more. And what the older boy had just confessed had only served to create even more confusion in Robbe's already confused mind. He couldn't leave it at that. At least, not until he knew why. Something that might finally make sense in his head.

Robbe then cleared his throat, asking, "So why were you with her that day at the park. After the kiss, you know?"

Sander stared at him with a serious look, and Robbe could immediately say that whatever reason he'd come up with, it would be the truth. It was getting easier and easier for him to figure out whatever was going on in Sander's head. 

"To make you jealous," he rushed back. 

Robbe swallowed dry, trying not to look as nervous as he was feeling. This was definitely climbing fast. When Sander got there, he couldn't even say more than a few words in Robbe's direction. And now he was standing there, openly, confessing that he'd done it to make Robbe jealous?

Robbe opened his mouth to start talking, but Sander interrupted him immediately, adding, "I know it sounds bad, trust me. I know," he stopped for a few seconds, a provocative smile starting to pop up on his lips, "but at least it worked."

Robbe couldn't contain the shy smile that escaped his mouth. He could already feel the warmth that began to rise in his cheeks. Fuck, if Sander only knew how much it had worked. But Robbe wasn't about to give it to him. Not when he knew exactly what Sander was doing. He was gonna let the blond boy guide whatever that was. 

"It didn't work," Robbe hit back with the same provocative smile Sander had used, still mixed with a little shyness, "I wasn't jealous."

"If we want this to work, there can't be any more lies, you know, skater boy? You were jealous."

Skater boy. Robbe hated it when people referred to him like that. It had nothing to do with him. Not at all. But somehow, the name sounded good in Sander's mouth. But, again, what didn't?

"You wish, Sander."

"I really do."

Robbe stared him back, being invaded by a pair of determined green eyes. He felt every muscle in his body squirming. The words kept coming out, but not the ones that really mattered. Robbe just needed the blond boy to take the first step, the rest he could do. Besides, Sander had to know. He had to know how it affected Robbe. Why else would he have a confident smile on his face if he didn't know?

Robbe felt Sander slowly closing the gap between them. They were so close. Again. But this time, it was different. They had to know each other's intentions. They just did. And Robbe was definitely not gonna take a step back. Sander brought his face closer to Robbe's and the brunet automatically separated his lips from each other, ready to feel Sander's lips in his. He could feel the blond boy's warm breath closer and closer to his mouth. Just one more inch, or not even that, and they could touch each other. 

Sander's lips touched Robbe's, but the sound of a slamming door pulled them out of the trance, making them step back quickly, away from each other. Milan's voice sounded loud on the other side of the door. Fuck, he and Zoë could have arrived at any other time, so why now? Robbe thought. Just as the boy in front of him was about to kiss him. It had to be a joke. The universe could literally suck it.

Sander turned and started walking towards the door, stopping to look back again. His expression was a mixture of fun, daring... and desire.

"You going to be able to keep your hands away from me?"

Robbe laughed softly. He couldn't deny it. Sander's taunting had always done things to his body. And this time it was no different. It was way far from being.

"You first."

And just like that, Sander left his room, leaving Robbe to wonder what the hell had happened there. 

After a few minutes, a knock sounded at the door. Milan, of course.

"Hey, cutie. Sander just passed us. Everything okay?"

Robbe sighed softly. He didn't want any more conversations today. He could talk to Milan some other day. 

"Not now, Milan."

Robbe dropped himself on his bed with the silliest smile ever, grabbing his pillow tight against his body. He couldn't remember ever being so happy.

°°°

The next day, Robbe headed to the skatepark to meet the other boys. He was still upset that they had left him yesterday with lame excuses. They couldn't even come up with something better. But as upset as Robbe was, he was relieved too. Because then he had a chance to be alone with Sander and finally work it out with him. 

Last night still seemed surreal to him. He and Sander had played so much with each other. Not in a bad way, which had always led to disagreements between them, but in a good, provocative way. Robbe had gone out to be on his level. He liked this side of him. Sander brought him something new, a confident that Robbe didn't even know he had. And he was ready to use it to his advantage. 

He approached his friends who were already there. Jens was doing some trick with his skate, while Moyo and Aaron passed a phone from one hand to the other, laughing loudly at something that was on the little screen. 

"Whats up?" Jens was the first to see him, stretching out his hand so Robbe could shake it. 

When he was about to ask the other two guys what stupid thing they were laughing at, Moyo was faster than him, asking, "What happened yesterday, bro?"

Aaron nodded a little upset, agreeing with Moyo, "Yeah, Robbe, I was looking forward to some boys' night."

"I had the beers and everything," Moyo added.

The most confusing expression came up in Robbe's face. What did they even mean? They'd been the only ones to cancel everything at the last minute. And they hadn't even had the decency to text Robbe. Jens had to speak for them. And now they were asking what had happened?

Robbe looked at Jens quickly for some kind of help, just to find him looking between each of them, from Robbe and back to the other two, looking unsettling. And Robbe didn't need to understand anything else. He knew Jens. Sometimes, more than he knew himself. And that guilty look on his face? He gave it all away. He had it all planned out. Any other time, Robbe would probably be tempted to argue with him, maybe even a head slap, but now he was grateful for it. He knew Jens meant well and he just wanted to see Robbe okay. So he just decided to let it go. 

"Sorry," Robbe started saying, "Some things came up, but next time my place again... and the beers are on me."

Moyo approached Robbe, passing one of his arms over his shoulders, "That's what I like to hear, man."

Robbe exchanged a look with Jens, giving him a nod, making sure everything was okay. A look that promised that, once they were alone, he would tell him everything. For now, he was just gonna relax with his friends. 

°°°

For the rest of the week, Robbe exchanged texts with Sander almost every day. They were short messages, followed by emojis, simple things. ' _how's your day?', 'what's up?', 'just heard this song, thought of you'._ And this last one, it was everything for Robbe. Literally everything. Like, who actually says that? That was so fucking sweet. And considering most of the songs belonged to nothing less than Bowie himself, it just made it better for Robbe. Bowie, Sander's favorite artist. The blond boy listened to his favorite artist and, somehow, Robbe was what was on his mind. Robbe might as well just die. 

But the thing was, it was just texts. Nothing more than that. Of course, they were clearly flirting with each other, it was undeniable. Little provocations here and there. But it was never more than that. And Sander was being such a teaser. Texting Robbe ' _good night_ ' and ' _good morning_ ' like he didn't know exactly what he was doing. And Robbe couldn't figure out what the hell they were doing there. They were just gonna try to be friends? Could there be room for more? Well, if it was for Robbe, there would be. But he kept reminding himself. Just open up the game. Everything else, it was to be Sander. And if Sander wanted something more, he had to be the one to get it. 

°°°

The party was practically full when the boys arrived. Loud music was bursting through it, making it hard to keep a conversation going. As Robbe walked through the door, his eyes automatically swept the space around him, looking for some sign of a platinum blond hair. Sander was supposed to find them there. And Robbe was more than agitated to see the older boy again. He missed him. And honestly, he felt ridiculous about it. It had literally only been a week since they'd been together. And during these last few days, he and Sander had exchanged texts with each other practically every day. But still, Robbe missed Sander, he couldn't deny it. He missed his presence. His way too good smell. And fuck, they weren't even together yet. But Robbe didn't care. One way or another, he was still excited to see Sander. And nervous. Pretty nervous. 

Robbe followed his friends, his eyes still fixed all over the house, when they started heading to a corner that wasn't so crowded, Moyo and Aaron heading to the kitchen to get drinks for everyone. As soon as the two boys left, Robbe immediately felt Jens' gaze fixed on him.

"Looking for someone?" Jens asked with a playful smile. 

And that wasn't even a question. Because Jens knew perfectly well why Robbe's eyes kept looking from corner to corner hesitantly. He knew who Robbe was looking for. It had been hard for Robbe to confide in his friend what had happened a week ago with Sander. Not because he didn't want to admit it. He was aware it wasn't worth denying anything to Jens anymore. But because he didn't know exactly what to tell him. He couldn't define what he had with Sander, not even if he tried. And tonight was different. Because it was the first time Robbe was going to see the older boy after what had happened. Of course, it wasn't like he wasn't talking to Sander. But being with him, having him right in front of him, it was very different. And besides, the other boys were here too. And apart from Jens, none of the others had any idea what was going on. So Robbe was anxious because he didn't know how he was supposed to act with Sander in front of them. 

"Drop it, Jens, you know damn well who I'm-"

Robbe had no time to finish his sentence, being interrupted by Moyo and Aaron who arrived with drinks in their hands.

"We found Sander," Aaron spoke animatedly, making Robbe's body shiver with just the mention of his name.

Robbe turned his head in their direction, casting a discreet glance in Sander's direction, only to realize that the blond boy was already staring back at him in an very unsubtle way. And he looked better than ever. His hair was messed up and he was just wearing a white shirt without the usual black leather jacket. Robbe liked to see him like that. He also liked the full black. But the white look contrasted with his tanned skin, giving a much better image. 

Jens rushed to exchange a handshake with Sander, smiling openly at him. Robbe just stood still in the same place. So this was the part he was nervous about. What was he supposed to do? They were friends now, and friends usually greet each other when they arrive, or at least exchange a word or two. Robbe started thinking about something to say, but Sander approached him not giving him any time. The blond boy raised his hand in front of Robbe, extending it to him, hoping he would do the same. Robbe could feel all eyes on him. And he was sure that if he looked, he would clearly see a confused expression on Moyo and Aaron's face. And one of pride in Jens. He just knew. But fuck that. It wasn't that weird, right? He and Sander could get along, no matter what was really going on between them. So Robbe raised his hand, too, and took it to Sander's, squeezing it lightly. They just stayed there, holding each other's hand longer than necessary, without ever breaking eye contact. And, yes, that could be seen as strange. So, Robbe let go of his hand, taking a step back, trying to look natural. 

Fortunately for him, Jens broke the silence that had settled between them, saying, "So, cool party, right?"

All the boys nodded, but of course Aaron never knew when to be quiet. He pointed between Robbe and Sander with a dubious look, asking, "What's going on between you guys? You two are acting weird."

"Aaron!" Moyo said back, warning Aaron.

"What? I know I'm not the only one who noticed that."

Robbe looked immediately between Jens and Sander for help. Jens just shrugged, not knowing exactly what to say. Even he knew it was hard to explain anything to Aaron without being bombarded with a million questions after. 

Sander intervened, calmly explaining, "See, Aaron, me and Robbe just decided it wasn't worth continuing with that. And now we're trying to be friends."

Aaron let out a funny laugh, looking between the two boys, "You two? Friends? Good luck."

Robbe didn't miss the way Sander looked away, staring at the floor, trying to hide the little smile that had come over his lips. And Robbe couldn't even blame him. Because he was hardly trying to do exactly the same thing. Fuck, if Aaron only knew. 

"Okay, let's just leave it," Jens started saying, "Besides, I got something for you, Aaron. I may have just seen Amber."

And that was enough to make Aaron leave it like that. It was actually easier than Robbe thought to take his friend's focus away from something. 

"Dude, I'm saying, tonight's the night," Aaron said cheerfully. 

"Clearly," Moyo fought back.

The party continued for hours with a bunch of drinks in the mix and some failed attempts by Aaron to get Amber's attention. The last one, to the boys' own fun. Robbe had not yet had the chance to direct more than three words at Sander all night. But it was fine for him. It was like someone said. The eyes spoke louder than the mouth itself. And that kind of talk, they had plenty between them. The two boys had spent hours, wirelessly, sending looks in each other's direction, even when the other wasn't exactly looking back. Some of them were discreet, but most were open, warm, right there for anyone to see it. And not just looks. There were touches too. Subtle, from time to time. Their bodies touching lightly. Sander's fingers wrapped around Robbe's shoulder, squeezing him gently. Robbe's hand disappearing behind Sander's waist where no one could see it, just brief caresses that quickly ended. And after a whole night like this, Robbe couldn't wait to have Sander alone. It didn't matter how. That right there was all he needed to make sure those feelings didn't just come from him. There was no way that was true.

Robbe began to hear loud laughter that quickly drove his thoughts to the back of his mind. He turned his head toward the sound in time to see Moyo and Jens dragging Aaron from where they were standing. Robbe at first didn't understand what was going on, he had gotten lost in the conversation, but he looked ahead watching the boys take Aaron to a corner of the house where Amber and Luca were sitting. So that's what this was all about. Robbe shook his head amusingly, sending his strength to the poor boy mentally, as he watched his friends move further and further away.

And just like that, Robbe finally got the chance he wanted. To be alone with Sander. Well, not alone. But at least away from where his friends could hear them. He was about to turn towards the blond boy when he felt a body slowly pressing on his back. A hand going quickly to his waist, grabbing just enough for Robbe to feel, but not very obvious. Robbe let himself fall a little closer to Sander, inhaling his scent. Freshness, all mixed with cologne and smoke. He felt the older boy approaching his mouth to his ear quietly, his little strands of hair from his forehead tickling Robbe's cheek as he got closer. 

Then Sander whispered in his ear in a low, husky voice, "You look good tonight."

Robbe really had to hold himself back from falling to the ground right there. If it wasn't for Sander's body holding him in place, that's probably what would happen. 

Robbe turned his head, tilting it a bit up towards Sander's gaze, staring him with a smile on his lips, "And I was the one who wouldn't be able to keep my hands away from you?"

Sander smiled back at him, remembering his own words. And just that little gesture was enough to warm Robbe's chest. He was fine with Sander not keeping his promises. He was totally fine.

"Let's get out of here," the blond boy said, taking his hand to Robbe's and dragging him. 

Sander guided the way, making sure to put his hand firmly on Robbe's, keeping him always close as they passed the large crowd until they left the house. Robbe looked around him, there was no one else there. Of course, it was fucking cold. Not that he cared. The only person he really wanted was standing right there in front of him. And this led Robbe back to his kiss with Sander. Alone, away from the party, on a cold night. He really hoped it could end up like the last time. Well, not with Sander running away from him. This time, Robbe would make sure he would stay.

"So," Robbe said. He was still standing in front of Sander, just playing with his fingers shyly.

"So," Sander repeated.

The two boys stared at each other in silence. Why was it so easy to touch, tease each other, surrounded by other people, like tonight, and so hard when they were finally alone? Shouldn't it be the other way around? Robbe didn't understand. But once again, when did he really understand something about this whole situation?

Sander approached Robbe slowly, taking both of his hands to the younger boy's face, gently stroking his cheeks. His fingers were warm and soft against Robbe's skin, making his body tremble with the touch. The brunet held Sander's gaze in his, looking deep into the intense, calm green. There was a time when Sander's presence was enough to leave Robbe in a state of alert, his hands tense and his head confused. But now, his presence calmed him, made him feel safe. And he wanted Sander to know that. How good he made him feel.

"For all these months since I met you, I liked you," Sander said suddenly, the last part coming out almost like a whisper. 

Robbe let a heavy sigh escape. This is not what he expected to hear. He knew it affected Sander. It became obvious, at least for the last few days. But this? _For all these months since I met you_. Robbe closed his eyes, breathing slowly. A million thoughts were hanging over his mind right now. Not only did Sander like him. But he'd liked him all these months.

Robbe's voice shook when he asked, "Why?"

"Because you're amazing, Robbe."

Robbe shook his head repeatedly. He wasn't. Sander didn't know what he was saying.

"I'm not. I was mean to you."

"I was mean to you, too," Sander fought back, "I thought we'd worked this out."

Robbe's voice cracked in the air, "But, Sander--"

"Robbe, I told you," Sander's voice was calm as he spoke, "I don't care about any of that. It's over. You're here now. And there's nothing I could possibly want more than this. The question here is, do you feel the same or was it just in my head? Tell me it wasn't, please."

Robbe took his hand to Sander's that was still on his cheek, gently stroking it, "It wasn't... fuck, how did I not like you back then?"

The most cocky smile came out of Sander's lips, "I know, right? I wonder the same thing. How did you not like me back then?"

"Sander, I'm trying to be serious."

"I know," the blond boy got closer to Robbe, dropping his forehead on his, feeling each other's breath for how close they were, "we're so fucking stupid. Just to think we wasted so much time trying not to like each other when we could have been together." 

Sander pushed his face away a bit, staring at Robbe, almost as if asking for his permission. Robbe just nodded. He wanted this more than he ever wanted anything. Sander brought his lips closer to Robbe's, rubbing them lightly, without ever kissing them. His mouth slid from the brunet's lips towards his cheek, leaving a trace of delicate little kisses. He went down his cheek, moving his lips to Robbe's neck, caressing every inch of skin slowly. Robbe closed his eyes, savoring every sensation. The blond boy hadn't even kissed him yet, and he was already struggling not to give in right there.

Sander, again, made a kissing path up to Robbe's ear, whispering softly, "Can I kiss you now?"

Robbe whispered a breathless yes, hoping the blond boy would hear the despair in his voice and finally touch him. And just like that, Sander dipped his lips into Robbe's. The kiss started slowly, both boys taking their time with each other. Sander's arms wrapped quickly around Robbe's small waist, pulling him closer to him, intensifying the kiss. Robbe's hands slid onto Sander's head, his fingers pulling the blond hair gently. And at this moment, Robbe felt at home. This is all he needed. Sander's tongue made its way into Robbe's mouth, tasting him in his own mouth. After what seemed like an eternity, they broke the kiss, both looking for air. Without ever letting go of each other.

"I wanted you for so long," Sander whispered, his lips still touching Robbe's, "Every time I saw you... it was getting harder and harder to try to deny you."

And this was Sander. Sander. His familiar green eyes were filled with lust and his golden skin blushed with desire. For him, Robbe thought. For him, of all people. And there was nothing like it. Nothing that could even come close to this feeling. With Sander's arms wrapped around him, Robbe thought he could explode at any moment. This was too good to even be true. Sander picked up Robbe's lips again on his, starting another deep kiss, with the brunet's body being pulled continuously against his, Sander keeping him stuck with his own body, not letting him go. Not that Robbe wanted to. He wanted Sander to hold him for as long as possible. He didn't want Sander to let go. Ever.

When Sander broke the kiss, slightly biting Robbe's lower lip, the brunet hesitated, letting his mind finally think about this whole situation. Sander liked him, he liked him back. And he had wanted Robbe for a while. But now what? What was supposed to happen? What was happening between them? Were they together now? Robbe needed answers. He'd already spent too much time in the vacuum. Robbe liked Sander. And he wanted to be with him more than anything. 

"This means something, right Sander?" Robbe's voice cracked. 

Sander left one last kiss on Robbe's lips, saying, "This means we're together. Unless you don't want to."

Robbe smiled timidly at him, embracing Sander's waist, "I do, Sander."

The older boy took one of his hands to Robbe's hair, stroking him. Robbe wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. He didn't care a bit about that party. He'd just come for Sander. And now he had him. And he wanted to be with him, away from there.

"Wanna go back to my place?" Robbe asked, adding, "If it's okay for you."

Sander nodded his head, giving Robbe his most beautiful smile. The brunet took his hand in his, intertwining their fingers together, starting to drag him out of there. 

That night Robbe finally managed to sleep relaxed, without having to worry about anything happening tomorrow. Because it didn't matter to him. All that mattered was that he was there, in his own bed, in the comfort of Sander's arms. The older boy held him all night long, keeping him warm in his own body, just in the silence listening to each other's quiet breaths. Robbe had no idea what he'd done to deserve this, but he would definitely grab whatever it was.

°°°

Being with Sander was the best feeling in the world. Robbe couldn't even remember why he didn't like Sander in the first place. The blond boy was starting to grow on him more and more. And it had only been four days since they'd been together. But Robbe didn't care. He wasn't gonna hide anything he felt anymore. He was already falling hard for Sander. And lucky for him, the blond boy seemed to feel exactly the same. 

For the whole weekend after the party, Sander had stayed at the flatshare. Robbe liked having him around. And he definitely liked being able to sleep with him. Being able to have warm arms holding him all night until the few hours of the morning. And the same thing happened for the rest of the week. Even if they didn't see each other during the day because of classes, Robbe had always found a way to convince Sander to go spend the night with him. And Sander? Well, he gave in every time. He really couldn't say no to whatever Robbe asked him to. 

It was weird at first. Not because of Milan. Milan was more than happy to have Sander around. But because of Zoë. Not in a bad way. It was just weird. She'd gotten so used to seeing the two boys arguing with each other every time they saw each other that them being able to be in the same space with each other and - actually - being together was something she could never have imagined. But that was quickly overcome. 

The problem now was the others. How would they even appear out of nowhere together when only three weeks ago they were arguing with each other in front of everyone? But it needed to happen at some point, Robbe knew that. They couldn't go on like this. At some point, they were gonna have to be in the same space with each other. And they were gonna do what? Act like everything was the same? No, Robbe wasn't gonna do that. He was with Sander. And he was more than happy about it. Besides, other people's opinions shouldn't matter that much. They were able to make their own choices without having to justify themselves to anyone. But he was still nervous.

So, today was the day. It was Friday, and Robbe's classes had been over for a few hours. He'd gone to Sander's college to pick him up so they could go to the skatepark together. The plan was to go to the flatshare and just relax all night in Robbe's room, just the usual. But Jens had stopped Robbe outside the classroom so they could meet the other boys later. And Sander too. 

They were all already there. So Robbe and Sander headed there as fast as they could. Which wasn't an easy task. The brunet insisted on climbing on Sander's back every five minutes. And every time Robbe asked him to hold him, Sander was forced to stop so he could kiss his lips that always had a pout. Well, he wasn't forced. But he couldn't resist. 

As soon as they got close, Robbe pulled Sander by his hand to face him. 

"They'll all be there," the brunet said.

Sander bowed his eyebrows, staring confusedly at him, "So what?"

"They don't know we're together," Robbe said, adding, "Well, apart from Jens, of course."

Sander smiled provocatively, saying, "They're on their way to know. Shocking."

Robbe tapped him on the shoulder, "Fuck, you're so annoying."

"Baby."

Robbe's cheeks blushed quickly at that word and he looked down shyly.

"What's wrong?" The blond boy asked, staring at him with a confused look.

"It's just weird hearing you call me that." 

Sander thought for a few seconds, finally asking, "What? Baby?" His lips went up again in a big smile, "You don't like that?"

Robbe shook his head, "Uh, no, I like that... a lot."

"Just so you know, I'm still gonna call you Robin every chance I get, okay?"

Robbe rolled his eyes in a funny way. Sander was impossible.

"And you realise that every time you do that, I will forbid you from kissing me."

Sander brought his lips closer to Robbe's, leaving a little kiss there and then taking them to his ear, whispering, "You couldn't do that. You'd be punishing us both."

"See? I was right the whole time. Giant ego."

"Call it what you want," Sander fought back, adding, " _Baby_."

Robbe decided to let it go, Sander was too persistent. And annoying. Very annoying.

"So, we like... hold hands now?"

Sander shrugged his shoulders quickly, taking his hand to Robbe's, grabbing his. 

"I mean, why not? Better just give them the full show, right?"

Robbe smiled at him, holding his hand more firmly. The two boys then began to walk towards their friends. Even in the distance, Robbe could already see Moyo and Aaron turning their heads towards them. The perplexed expression on their faces might even be laughable if Robbe wasn't so nervous. And Sander could sense that. He could feel Robbe's footsteps getting slower and heavier. So he shook Robbe's hand tightly, stroking it with his thumb, assuring him there was no reason for him to feel that way. It wasn't a big deal. They were together, so what? Nobody had anything to do with it. 

"The first of April came earlier this year?" Moyo asked as soon as the two boys were close enough to hear him. 

Aaron was standing right next to him with his mouth open with surprise. Fortunately, he didn't seem to be on his way to saying anything. Maybe for the first time. Robbe saw Jens sending a look in Moyo's direction, silently shutting him up. 

"It's okay, Jens," Sander said with a calm smile, adding, "There's not much to say, as you can clearly see, we're together."

"How did that happen?" Aaron asked, confused.

Robbe finally intervened in the conversation, saying, "Kind of just did."

"I thought you hated each other," Moyo said.

"I still do," Robbe fought back, smiling at Sander in a provocative way, "a little bit."

Moyo raised his arms in the air defensively, "You know what? I've stopped questioning a lot of the things that go on in this group. I'm just going with this. I'm happy for you guys, it's weird. But I'm happy for you. And it's still weird."

Robbe gave him a grateful smile. He kind of agreed with him. Yeah, it was weird. But it was a good kind of weird. 

"So, like, you guys kiss and stuff?" Aaron suddenly asked.

All the guys broke up laughing at that question. Even Robbe, even if he rolled his eyes while he was doing it. Aaron was something extraordinary. He really was. 

"Among other things," Sander answered back, a cheeky smile on his lips.

Robbe immediately looked at him with open eyes, "Sander!" 

"What, baby?" The blond boy asked, staring at him with a fake innocent look.

An chorus of 'aww' sounded among the other boys. Robbe snitched in anger.

"You guys shut up," he said, pointing to his friends and turning to Sander again, "and you too."

And just like that, Sander pressed his lips on Robbe's, pulling him around his waist. In his defense, Robbe wanted him to shut up. What better way to do that than with his mouth busy with something else? Robbe still tried to pull away, but he quickly gave in to the blond boy's touch, giving himself to him completely as if the other boys weren't right there in front of them. Sander had actually said they might as well give them the full show. Why not?

Robbe broke the kiss, looking at the pair of familiar green eyes in front of him. And at that moment, he could feel the wave of filling in his chest. No matter what had happened, Sander was right there. And he was Robbe's. _And he had never felt so complete_. 

**Author's Note:**

> You can also find me on tumblr: ["fockinglevendcliche"](https://fockinglevendcliche.tumblr.com)


End file.
